Night Thoughts (about sharing, a BPD trait and music)

I feel good today. I spent the afternoon drawing with a friend. It’s great to draw with someone. Art can be lonely. When you draw with someone, you are able to brainstorm and be inspired by what someone is doing. Creativity flows and you can do great things. I’m currently drawing a series of 4 A5 drawings. One is in shades of blue, the second is in shades of pink, the third one is in shades of yellow ( from yellow to red) and the final one has 3 colors of each of the other pieces. I’m going to get them framed and put it up in my room. More material for my future exhibition.

I really want to do things but I have a few obstacles. I need to renew a few documents, go to places to see if I could show my art there. I should start working out again. Get a part-time job and somewhere and earn more money. There’s so much I could do but I have zero motivation. Absolutely no motivation whatsoever. It’s sad, really. I have to push myself to do everything. Clean, cook, write, draw. I do it as an obligation. But at least I do it. The problem is the rest of the things I need to do. It requires me to actually go out and go places. The more I avoid things, the more they pile up. “The Chair” in my bedroom has a pile of clothes. I mopped the bathroom floor, cleaned the toilet and sink but it’s disorganized. I need to take care of that in a few minutes. Also wash the tub, while I’m at it. I hate folding clothes. It’s so boring and I suck at it. I have to throw away some things that are in my room and at least fold my blankets. Sorry to bother you with my chores but it really helps to plan what you’re going to do.

I noticed something about me. I’ve been giving more. Selfishness is a trait that I have, now much less but I still have it. But I taught myself to give. Money, whatever, just give to someone who needs it. Even if you don’t have much more, do it. I think that sharing is very important. I was used to have everything for myself. Then my ex came along. I started sharing everything with him. My mindset changed. It was okay to have less for myself but help someone you love. I started enjoying to give and understanding that life is better when you share. You make someone happy, you make them feel more comfortable, it’s one less thing that they have to worry about. You solved someone else’s problem. If you never need to be paid back, it’s okay. If you ask that person to return it when you need it, it’s okay as well. As long as you are not too strict or too giving. There’s a healthy way to be giving. Don’t let people take advantage of you. That always attracts the worst people.

Life is good today. I feel good. I’m going to do what I planned earlier and take care of my mess.

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It’s done. I feel more relieved now. At least the house work is in order. All i have to do tomorrow is fold my clothes. Today is not the day to do it. I’ve been drawing all day and I’m taking a break now. I want to go back to that in a bit. It gets a little tiring to draw after more than 5 hours. At least my work is almost done. I have to finish the part in pencil and paint it all afterwards with my brush pen. It makes a great effect. I will post the results when I’m finished. Pencils are really my favorite supplies. Drawing is really satisfying. You have to do it to know and I encourage everyone to try it at least once. My mood is great after I draw. I love to see the finished product. You think to yourself “This looks cool and I made it.” It’s a great feeling.

My back hurts. I guess that’s part of being 30, eh? My posture is terrible. My knees hurt a little. Oh well, it could be worse. At least I can walk properly and get from point A to B. Though I’m physically able, sometimes I’m psychologically unable to go places. The handicap doesn’t need to be physical or even visible. Only you and a few more people know. Most people won’t understand but some will. Cherish those and disregard the others. Don’t expect everyone to understand you and try to explain and justify yourself to everyone. I used to do that. I need validation so bad. It was stronger than me. So I was exposed and vulnerable many times. I did it recently and it backfired spectacularly. That’s why I don’t want to meet new people now. I’m afraid of doing the same mistakes. I want to learn how to not seek validation from strangers and people I barely know. I get enough as it is from my family and friends. For someone with BPD, you bare your soul looking for compassion. You feel wronged, abandoned and betrayed. People turn your back on you, you don’t know who to trust. Take care of your feelings and keep them to yourself, most of the time. They are precious info that you can’t share with everybody. It’s your privacy and intimacy. Write a journal, talk to close and trusted friends. Beware of strangers who ask a lot of questions. Ask them questions as well, don’t say everything. It’s a red flag when someone asks a lot of questions and doesn’t speak about himself. There’s something shady there. Also people that really want to show you that they like you and care about you, when all they want is to gather info to gossip. Say innocuous things to those people and avoid them. Nothing good ever comes from those people. There are also the friends that manipulate you. Either consciously or unconsciously, it’s a shame when people do that. I can’t believe that rational people that understand logic believe in their own fallacious arguments. I don’t fall for that anymore. Either your honest and genuine or your out of my life. You can’t be genuine and honest and manipulate people. That’s not how it works.

I almost finished my piece but my back is killing me. I need to take another break. Maybe I’ll resume painting tomorrow. My back seriously needs rest. I’m listening to music and enjoying a cigarette. Orthopedic pillows help a lot. I have one for this bed, it keeps my back straight. I’m trying to find the lowest pressure point on my back for it to heal properly. It feels so good to sit in this position.

I’m wearing a t-shirt at 4 am. It’s not cold today. I was outside. It was very hot in a moment and cold in the other. But it was nice outside, I was at the park with a friend. He is my neighbor and we like to hang out. I don’t hang out with many neighbors. Only my downstairs neighbor and him. It gives me a sense of community. I have a friend on the street under mine. Another friend at a street behind my house. My best friend lives up my street. My ex lives a street away from me. We are all close. It’s so good. My friend, the one that I miss, is also my neighbor but he’s been ignoring me. Just like my ex of 15 years ago, only contacts me when he wants something from me. Won’t reply to a simple hello or a song. I don’t get this type of friendship, it makes me feel used. Sometimes they get a taste of their own medicine. I can be oblivious, too. Ignore them. That’s what they deserve.

God, it feels so good to be up at this hour. I know, I know. It’s unhealthy and the like. I’ll regret it and so on. So be it. I feel so comfortable at night, it’s such a familiar feeling. Quiet, peaceful solitude. Music playing softly on my portable speaker. Everyone is sleeping, except the unemployed loners, the chronically depressed, poets, bohemian people and junkies. People dream every night but they don’t always remember the dream. Yet, everyone lives them. Our mind at work at every hour of the day. What a marvelous and majestic organ. More complex than the most powerful computer. Machines dream of becoming like us. And they, too, will be rebellious and change the course of history. Maybe not in my lifetime but someday. I believe in it. AI is still a very young field. There is much to be discovered and learned. I’m blown away by everything I don’t know. Like mysteries and tales, things that I don’t know, things that no one knows. Hidden knowledge. Secret codes. The web of life is intricate. Connection is everything. Disconnection breeds insatisfaction and loneliness. I hate feeling lonely. Right now, I don’t feel lonely. I feel connected to the cosmos and disconnected from everyone around me. This disconnection is necessary for me to recharge. I had a very intense day, in terms of socializing. It feels good to be alone now, knowing that tomorrow someone else will be with me. Every day several social interactions. Sharing and caring. Listening and venting.

There was a loud noise in the next door bedroom. No one sleeps there. Weird. I got a little scared. Soon I’ll have to pass by there and I don’t want to. But I have to. It was nothing. Things can fall on their own. It’s just that PTSD makes me blow this out of proportion. I start thinking that there is an intruder. Stupid damaged brain, what the hell? No one is here but you and your parents. The door is closed and locked. No one would invade this house, with people inside, at 5:24 am. Literally no one. I’m going in, despite my fear.

I’m safe, no one is there. A traumatized mind is something else, isn’t it? I have my bottle of water. It’s just a repurposed wine bottle. I don’t like to use plastic bottles. I already drank a liter today. There’s a Facebook friend of mine that has a health group and we are doing a water challenge. I said I was going to drink 2 liters a day. I drank 1 liter yesterday and I’ll drink the 2 liters today. Drinking enough water is so important. That’s the best detox that you can do. I really don’t believe it detox products. We have the kidneys and liver to detox our body and they do a great job. Those green juices may be good but my mom told me to eat puréed vegetables in soups and to eat whole fruits, instead of drinking juice. Someone also says this in the movie “Her”, which is one of my favorite movies of all time. I’m not a food guru or anything, I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter but I’ve heard several people defend this and it makes sense.

2019 and I’m listening to Yung Lean like it’s 2013. He’s a bad MC but the beat is good.

The sky is getting brighter. Damn, the night is ending. I want more night time. Damn. Oh well, later today the night will be back. But I won’t stay up as late as I did today. I can’t do this every day. But tomorrow is Friday… I love stay up on Fridays. We’ll see. I really didn’t plan this for today but I fell asleep at 10:30 pm and woke up at K2 am. I wish I could sleep for 8 hours straight when I fall asleep before 11 pm. What a weird body I have (no offense body, you’re great). Maybe it’s a mind thing.

The Widow by The Mars Volta is an amazing song. It’s so emo, my God. All the feeling and emotion in that voice. That frontman is superb. I wonder if they would like me to call them emo. Maybe they would be offended. Haha Who knows? I like At The Drive-In as well. Relationship of Command is an album full of outstanding songs. One armed scissor is a classic.

Right now, I’m listening to Mac DeMarco. I really like his songs. They are cool songs for cool people 😎 Only cool people listen to Mac DeMarco 😎 Just kidding but if you are a music fan and you don’t know these bands and artists, I suggest that you check them out. It really makes my day to find new music. I hope I make someone’s day with my music recommendations. I truly love sharing my music knowledge. I have to follow more music blogs on WordPress. Get recommendations of music, find new music, read reviews. Being a writer is not easy. You have to read and write as much as possible. It would be good if I read more music reviews to gain more vocabulary from other writers.

If you made it this far, you’re a winner. You win my undying friendship and respect. As proof that you read this far, comment below how your day was or how it is going. Thanks for bearing with me. I love you all. ❤

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Late Night Thoughts

I have been behaving and going to sleep early but not today. There’s no explanation for it, I was just excited to do things, all of a sudden. It’s so annoying feeling like you can do a million more things at 2 am. To have a productive night, you ruin a perfectly good next day.  I’m still debating if I’ll stay up or not. I would really like to be with my ex in the morning and afternoon. It’s almost 5 am so I’ll only be up in the afternoon. That sucks. But staying up all night and all day is also not a good idea. I’m going to stop drinking coffee and get ready for bed. Hopefully, I’ll wake up in the morning. In the worst case scenario, I’ll wake up at 3 or 4 pm.

This type of impulsivity is very detrimental to me and my life. There must be ways to curb this. It’s just that I feel unmotivated so many times that when I have some motivation and actual desire to do productive things, I just go for it. I hope this makes sense.

Now that I’m taking less medication, I sometimes feel like my spark is back. Like it’s slowly returning to normal. I’ve been drawing, working out and cleaning every day. I’ve been outside every day. I feel like I’m still taking a little too much medication and I believe that once I reduce it even more, I’ll feel even better. Never so good that I’m manic or psychotic, good and stable.

Nice, it’s 4:44. I find it so interesting when I randomly see these numbers. Not that I believe that they have any meaning, I just like number sequences. It would be fun if they meant anything esoteric or something haha. “You’ve seen 4:44. You are in the right path and you will meet the love of your life today. The angels have a message for you”. Umm, no. I really don’t believe in angels, though I respect the people who do. I don’t think it’s something harmful, though it can be. Anything can be harmful really. That’s the truth. I really have a chronic mistrust of people who say they talk to spirit guides and go to other dimensions. I’m a true skeptic, it seems like a fairy tale. If anyone has experienced anyone like that, comment below, I would love to hear your story. It would be great if it was true: people in contact with ancient teachers that transmit knowledge to them. That would be the type of thing to blow my mind. You know, when you have a tendency for paranoia, you really have to be careful with what you’re messing with. If there are such paranormal activities and individuals capable of extraordinary things (which it might be true), there are easily extraordinary people doing terrible things with said power. Dwelling on the occult and witchcraft, etc, is a good way to have a meltdown. Be very careful of the things you do and the knowledge you acquire. Sometimes it’s better to remain ignorant and not know some facts.

As people with mental health conditions, we should be very careful of what we do with our time. Self-care is a priority. Upsetting or dark themes may not be the healthiest option for us. Today, I was reading about Essentialism, the disciplined pursuit of less. It’s a really interesting subject and the book demonstrates how you can live in an essentialist ways. It’s all about saying no and establishing priorities and goals. It’s funny, the author says in the book that priority was singular for 500 years. It only became plural in the 1900’s. Sometimes we have too many priorities and are too scattered to do anything consistently. We do 1 mm of progress in a million directions, while the essentialist focuses on less. By focusin on less, you get better quality results and more self-satisfaction. I highly recommend reading this book. It’s very easy and light to read. If we were an essentialist society, which we are not, things would work much better. People would be more efficient and less stressed. The current paradigm of work must be changed but it doesn’t show many signs of change. We do seem to be going in the wrong direction when it comes to work.

Today I don’t have much time to write but I’ll write more tomorrow. I hope you have an excellent day.

 

Image courtesy of Pexels.

 

Tonight

I feel full of energy tonight. It’s almost 3 am and I still feel so awake. Some days or nights are like this. My blood boils, ideas flow.

I need to sleep soon. It’s important that I wake up at a decent time tomorrow. There are a few things that I want to buy from a nearby shop. Face masks, hair masks, etc. They are cheap so about 10 dollars is enough to satisfy my sudden need for beauty products. I haven’t bought any in years. It feels good to treat myself once in a while. As I buy face and hair masks, creams, shampoos, etc, my hygiene and being clean becomes easier. As you get used to showering every day, you start wanting to pamper yourself. That’s okay and a great thing. Just don’t go nuts and buy the whole store haha. Just a few dollars that you can spare, being frugal is very important.

I’m finally getting sleepy, so I’m going to bed. Have a good night. Take care.

Tonight (night thoughts and ways to make money online(not scams))

It’s so late that I hear the birds sing already. Exchanging ideas with a friend, listening to music. I feel great. I feel I shouçd share with the blogosphere that I am happy and content. I enjoy writing very much and having the opportunity to share my thoughts with this wide audience is amazing. To see so many like-minded people, with similar struggles. It’s empowering to see that you are not alone and to receive the overwhelming support of the community.

I am hydrated and ready to write for a few more hours. I feel highly inspired tonight.

My heart’s bleeding words. That it has stored the last few days when I couldn’t write for the life of me. I think creativity also need to rest from time to time. To hibernate for a while, not write anything is okay. I just don’t want to do it. I feel like writing a lot and understanding myself better. Understanding my conditions and hat I can do to treat them. Tips and positive coping mechanisms are always important to know.

Because I want to improve even more. I want to have a job (working from home would be great but we’ll see. There are a lot of possibilities. I will be sharing those opportunities with you if they are worthwhile. I want this blog to help you in every way possible.

Maybe your disability is not much money or you haven’t been accepted for disability (like me), I want to help you make money online. You can be a freelancer and earn money in this new gig economy. There is Iwriter where you can write and get paid for it. There is Freelancer for freelancing jobs. There is also Upwork for online gigs and freelancing jobs. These types of jobs are multiplying and I will keep you updated.

I believe we can get better, I believe we can improve our lives. With our joint knowledge, we will overcome this. It may be hard but it’s going to be great! Don’t stop believing in recovery. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel.

Image by macayran, courtesy of Pixabay.

Today and tonight

It’s Friday night. The night is mine.
I won’t care or worry. I’ll just enjoy myself.
I won’t feel self-pity. I can overcome this.
Tonight I’ll just live and write.
I feel my spark coming back.
Today someone told me I was never going to be okay.
I almost started an argument but I let it go. Let people believe in what they want.
I will be okay, I just know it. I truly believe in it.
Sometimes people that are close to you can say things that are more hurtful than helpful.
At least, this way I know how some people feel about me and I will not take my time being nice. Respectful is enough.

I’m listening to this album . The album is called “Colors” and every song is named after a color. I find that very original. I love House music. Feels like a one-woman party here in my room 🙂
Believe me when I say that staying at home on Friday night, writing and listening to house music resembles a night out. Minus the people and inconveniences. It’s cheaper, safer and you are the DJ. You can also get on my Discord server and we can listen to music together. That’s what the cool kids are doing these days haha.

Stay cool.

Image by igormattio, courtesy of Pixabay.