Yesterday, today, work and other thoughts

Oh wow! I slept for 8 hours today. I feel great. I can’t take a nap this afternoon or I might ruin my sleep schedule again.

Had yet another disappointment but wasn’t surprised, as usual. It’s like people could be anything and they choose to be jerks. I don’t understand. If you hate me or despise me or whatever, don’t keep me in your life. That’s all I ask. And yet, some people want me on their life for some reason and yet treat me like crap. Luckily, there’s only one person in my life that fits this description. I’ve been steadily cutting off people like that. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health. And it saves you a lot of trouble.

Today, if someone annoys me or starts bs, I’m going to tell that person to fuck off. No matter who he/she is (unless it’s my mom or dad or another family member or a close friend). I feel like some people tested my patience and it’s nowhere to be found. And every time someone is mean to me, I isolate myself more. Which sucks and they go about their lives as usual, while I feel sad and down. And that pisses me off even more, you can’t imagine. Those people don’t care. And even claim to be spiritual and searching for enlightenment and so on. Come on. I know that I don’t get to decide who should or shouldn’t be spiritual but it’s so odd how someone can claim to be on a spiritual path and then be completely unkind and even malevolent. Buddha never said “go on, hurt people as you’ve been hurt”. He suggests a path of good actions and even good thinking, in order to bear life better. A way of looking at life that is very concrete and sobering. Accepting that life is suffering but that there is a way to suffer less. Never to add suffering to other people’s lives. Nor did Christ say that. Unless your spirit is dark and you want to it to remain that way. That’s one explanation. But I’m not going to think about it anymore. Let those people go and best of luck to them.

You know, saying fuck off is empowering. It’s a great way to end a stupid conversation. It means that you will not tolerate some remarks. It means that you don’t appreciate being treated like that. It’s a way to assert yourself and resort a very old instinct. I bet we told each other to fuck off since the beginning of time. I digress. Don’t be afraid to end a conversation that is not benefiting you or is making you uncomfortable or sad. A conversation that crosses the line. We’ve all had them. Something inside of you tells you that it isn’t right, that you are being mistreated in some way. That has happened to me in the past and I accepted it for love. Oh god, never again. People who love you and know how to love you don’t hurt you. Loving is not enough, you’ve got to know how to love. If you’re damaged in some way and not being treated or healing, you may hurt someone. I am guilty of doing that in the past. I had too much baggage and trauma. I hurt people unintentionally and that still makes me sad to this day. But I’ve also come to somewhat accept that it was a part of my journey and a way to learn how to be a better person. And I believe that I’m a better person now, nowhere near very good but, at least, neutral. That makes me feel content but I know that I can do even better. Baby steps. It’s all about the baby steps.

I have yet to call to my therapist, though I need it a lot. I’m such a slacker. I procrastinate so much. What a disaster. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to get anything done, except writing and house work.

My friend messaged me today. He said that he wanted me to call him. I did. We talked things through and we will see each other tomorrow. I miss him. Talking to him was good. I just can’t get close to him. We have to talk more sporadically. I hope that I’m not making a bad decision. Something in my gut tells me that he doesn’t mean harm.

I have been feeling more empowered and I have more energy. I’ve been showering every day, like I should. I’ve been taking care of my spaces, washing dishes. I made chocolate pancakes for me and my mom. They were delicious. I cooked lunch for my father yesterday, as well. I’m laying the foundation for a better future. A future where I’m active and lead a productive life. I know that it’s possible, I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time, of studying and meditating. Getting out of my comfort zone and do what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took two of my cats to the vet. They had a cold and one of them had bronchitis. They are heavy so my mother asked me to go with her and so I did. It wasn’t easy. We spent about 45 minutes there. It seemed like three hours. The room was very small. But I felt proud and empowered afterwards. I helped my mother with our pets. I don’t mind helping her. It is my duty as a daughter of a loving mother. She has done so much for me, it’s the least I could do.

I need to do some bureaucratic things next week. Maybe because it’s August, there will be less people in line. Going there at around 7 am is also a possibility. Gotta love the services we have here. Well, tough it up, butter cup. There are worse things in life. I also need to do my eyebrows and I should do them tomorrow. It’s interesting, once you start to take care of yourself, you don’t want to stop. It becomes a part of you. I should cut my hair, one of these days. My nails are done, they are red and short. I love black nails. I also love other colors.

3 am. Woke up at midnight. I can’t fall asleep too late or else I’ll ruin tomorrow. Or should I say today. Technically, it is today already. A few hours away from dawn. I still have time. It’s the biggest luxury I have, besides a house and my basic needs met. I never forget. Sometimes, I look around, look at my life and my friends. I’m pleasantly surprised and grateful that I have what I have and that they are a part of my life. I’m grateful for my evolution, in terms of maturity and mental health. My evolution as a meditator and how balanced my mood is. It’s the little things that become bigger and greater things over time. I just have to remain active, keep pursuing my dreams, while trying to get in the mindset of finding a job out of my house. A part-time job, for example. In a supermarket or something like that. I think that I could be a cashier or someone who stocks the shelves. I have to keep pondering on that idea, visualize it, make it a part of me. That would give my parents great joy. And that is something that can motivate me, I’ll do anything to make my parents happy and proud of me. They mean everything to me. I also have to focus on the money I’ll earn, the fact that I will be out of the house, interacting with different people. I think working will be great for me. I’m so scared that I will feel suffocated by having to go 5 days a week. I hate feeling stuck. It should be 4 work days and 3 days off. I’m serious. It would be ideal to everyone, except workaholics but maybe they could work 5 or 6 days a week. There would be a week day off, where you could take care of issues with banks and so on. Another day (Saturday, for example) for resting and cleaning. The third day would be for doing a little more cleaning, plenty of rest and preparing for the week. People tend to get stressed out with five days a week, why should we subject people to that? It’s very detrimental to our physical and mental health. Sometimes, your supervisor might ask you to do overtime, several times a week. I’ve worked like that and I know exactly what it can do to you. It wrecked me. Wreaked havoc on my health. I was so sick that I had to quit my job. I was in a good team, working for a good company. People were talking about promoting me. I stood apart from the rest of the colleagues that were trained at the same time as me. Now, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only the future matters. Only today. My words in the past, blowing in the wind. Fragments of moments that won’t be forgotten, for they are immortalized.

I feel so good. Things make sense, the stars are aligned. The future could be bright. Brighter, as it is bright right now, despite how I feel sometimes. I need to control my feelings better and get a thicker skin. That is essential for my survival. I can’t take everything so seriously. Not online or Irl. I have more of a troll attitude of not taking most things seriously. But I don’t actually troll, I just shitpost on a group that I like, on Facebook. I try not to get offended by things, unless they are vile and terrible. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen an awful post there. I stay away from toxic content. I don’t make mean comments and start fights. That’s not who I am.

I’m hearing a lot of noises at my house today. It isn’t very normal, though weird things happen from time to time. But I won’t get into that. I’m used to it by now. It’s a matter of mindset. I refuse to have fear. I’m scared only for a few seconds. I breathe in deeply and keep calm. And it passes. Peace returns and I am back to my relaxed self.

We all have burdens: the burden of existence, kids, parents, relatives and other people. But some are good to bear. You feel accomplished by doing it, you do it out of love and compassion. But for me, by far, the worst burden is the burden of existence. I’ve been getting some existential dread from time to time. But I also won’t get into that reality tunnel, not now and not today.

It’s raining so much. In August. What the hell? It shouldn’t be raining. At least it’s not cold. The sound of the rain is soothing. It feels like heaven in my ears. But it’s very unusual. Every year, by August is really warm and it doesn’t rain. Sometimes we even have too little rain and it harms the crops. It rarely rained in the summer, climate is surely changing. I’m not the most informed person on this issue. Most of the scientific community accepts that climate change is due to mankind. Other people say that this is normal and the weather always changes and has always changed from time to time. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: yes, pollution and other hazardous activities are accelerating climate change. And yes, weather always changed from time to time, we have proof of that. The conclusion should be: recycle, don’t buy too many things you don’t need, use a reusable bag for groceries(you can even use little cloth bags for fruits and veggies), buy second hand, trade, sell or donate what you don’t use. There are so many things we can do to help the environment.

I am now preparing to go to sleep. I’m listening to chill out music and writing my last sentences before I go to sleep. But before sleeping, I always have to meditate. I’m doing a meditation course on an app I have reviewed called Serenity. I also do two daily meditations: a mini meditation (it’s about 3 minutes long, on average) and the daily practice (it’s 10 minutes long, on average). The course tales around 10 or more minutes, a session. It also has meditations for sleep and other occasions. Having an app that allows you to have a daily practice that you can track is always a plus. You can always go back and do daily meditations that you didn’t do on a certain day. I sometimes get angry and I shouldn’t. It isn’t very common but I don’t want it to happen. Meditation is very helpful in that sense.

This was a long one. If you’ve come this far, I salute you. I hope you are okay. ❤

Working and vacations

I’m starting to feel motivated to put my life back on track. I talked to my therapist today, that I felt like a job was too much responsibility for me and she understood me. It’s hard for someone who hasn’t worked in the last few years. She suggested that I start doing freelance jobs. I think it’s a great step in the right direction. As I get more and more responsibility, I will start to feel more comfortable and confident about it. I have to earn some money before the end of the year. I don’t want to sit on NYE, contemplating on lost opportunities and waste of time. That is one of the worst feelings and it has happened to me in the last few years. My boyfriend is a big inspiration, he works hours on end and is an excellent worker. I’m really proud of him and I think to myself; if he can do it, I can do it, too.

I would love to work from home, it would be great to only have to deal with myself every day. Co-workers say the darndest things and I get hurt easily. I ruminate on hurtful things people told me years ago but I know I will probably have to work on a company to have a steady income. The gig economy is good in a sense but it doesn’t pay very much. It would be great if I found a work from home job on Upwork or a site similar to it. I need to do some research on the best sites for freelancers. It’s a start and I’m hopeful.

I’m going on vacation with my parents. We are going to a beautiful region of my country, the area is near a castle. It’s a lovely place and I’m eager to go there. It will be great to spend time with them. I really missed our vacations, they are very entertaining. We always have lots of fun in our travels.

I’ve been having recurring thoughts of having a car crash on the way there. It’s a horrible thought and it’s completely irrational but I can’t help it. I need to tell my psychiatrist about these irrational thoughts I have been having. I will tell my therapist about them, on Thursday. I’m going to start seeing her twice a week. I need extra support since J died. I reached some conclusions by talking to her. She is very warm and friendly. She validated me a lot and it’s always comforting to be validated.

I hope you had or are having a good day.

Picture by Mariamichelle, courtesy of Pixabay.

Thinking about joining the workforce once again

I have been thinking about a lot of things, as usual. I have been contemplating on the idea of getting back to work in the near future. I think it would be great for my self esteem, my discipline and earning money. I fear it. I fear stress and how it can affect me. I fear doing a job that I hate. I fear feeling suffocated by the obligation to go to work five days a week.
I am thinking about getting a part time job first, to get used to working. Even if it is as a waiter or something along those lines. I hope my age doesn’t stop me from having a decent job. I don’t want to do telemarketing or sales, it makes me feel uneasy. I don’t want to be pushing products on people, I wouldnt feel good about myself. Though I don’t judge who does, you have got to make a living somehow.
I feel like I am losing time but, at the same time, I know that I am getting better and getting closer to my goal of independence.
I have to have faith in my skills, my abilities. I was once a very important part of a team, with responsabilities and very productive. I know I can be that person again and probably even better now that I am more mature and patient. I want to be a part of something that makes me more responsible. I fear responsability, too. I fear failure. I fear making a fool out of myself.
I know I can overcome these fears. If I can quit smoking after so many years, I know I can do anything. It is a matter of preparing myself mentally and facing the fear. It is something I need to do to have stability in the future and grow as a person. I am capable of doing this and it has become one of my goals, something I will work hard to achieve.
I am not someone that does not like to work. I like to be useful and active. As I lost the habit of working, now it will be hard to do it again, I will have to get used to it. I am still not very confident in my ability to go out every day, that is something that I need to work on in therapy. It may sound like a paradox but even though I am fearful, I am hopeful.
I hope each and every one of you is okay.

Image by 12019, courtesy of Pixabay.