Yesterday’s thoughts and today

Woke up at 8:30 pm, last night. Disgraceful. Had coffee with my friend at 5 am, in his house.

Cup of coffee

We talked for a few hours, in a civilized and friendly manner. He wasn’t combative or picking on me. I guess that by ignoring him when he says dumb shit, he does do it as much.

Real Pink flowers and dark background

This morning, I explained to him that I don’t want to hear about other women in his life. He can do what he wants with whoever he likes but I really don’t like to know about it. I like to simulate monogamy. While we are together, he is mine and only mine. He didn’t get this in the wrong way. We’ve been strangely in sync. When I left his house, he said “thank you for your company”. It was nice to hear that. It’s good when you like to be with someone and that person appreciates your company as well. This is the sort of friendship that is productive, good and healing. I hope he stays this way. Though there were times when I felt that I was going to lose him sooner or later. Not that he’s mine or anything but lose him, cut contact with him. He just needs to be loyal and fair. I don’t ask for more than that. I just want someone who won’t start problems because I will never do that.

I usually come up with solutions for problems, at least when it comes to other people haha. Damn, it’s hard to be smart for others and dumb for yourself. My choices should be much better. My mental health condition still affects me. It’s quiet BPD but the fear of failure and self-sabotage are so hard to deal with. Also the feelings of inadequacy, the sadness and despair. Feelings of self-doubt, undefined self. I could go on. BPD is no joke. But, my God, I’m so much better now. Can’t even remember the last time I had mood swings or bursts of anger. At least that disappeared and I’m thankful for that. I guess you grow and learn. And boy, did I learn the hard way. It’s like I was reborn and I’m a new person. My other lives and circumstances are far away and look like dreams or nightmares that live in the bottom of my soul.

Heart shaped hole on green door

It really seems that some events were several lifetimes ago. When I was radically different. Thirty-something woman with extensive mental health experience. That has its perks, after all the chaos. Experience does really help you a lot. Quickly identifying symptoms and knowing how to deal with them is essential to mental health.

It’s such an ugly day. I left home at 5 am, with just a t-shirt on. It was fine. My friend invited me to be with him again tonight. He wanted me to take him wine and stay the night (or leave in the morning). I think he really likes to be with me. I also like to be with him. He said “When are you going to start dating again?”. I said “I don’t know. I like being alone”. Sometimes his words sound like tests, do you know what I mean? You never know with some guys. You have to keep your eyes and ears wide open. And be mindful of what comes out of your mouth.

I’m going to meditate before sleep and hopefully I won’t wake up after 8 pm. That would definitely suck. Please, please, let me wake up in 7 hours. I don’t really need 8 or 9 hours.

Maybe I’ll go to sleep in half an hour, it will be about noon. I’m really not sleepy right now. Just tired. But I’m enjoying listening to music.

Today is such an ugly day. I’m in a really good but this greyish white sky is unsettling. I like sunny days. This summer has been disappointing so far. Though there have been really hot days.

I still haven’t gone to the beach or a pool. This is so sad, Alexa play The Beach Boys. Haha I mean, it’s okay. I don’t need to be tanned and I can go later. I really enjoy being at home, even when the weather is good so it’s okay. Everyone is different. Today is also a good day to stay at home because it’s not too hot or too cold. It’s just perfect. I can wear a t-shirt and shorts.

After this cigarette, I’m going to meditate again. I want to feel more grounded and sleep afterwards.

************

After I meditated, my friend called me because he was low on tobacco. It was about 4 am. He came over to my door. He said I was looking good and hugged me. It was really nice. Then, he invited me to go to his house for a cup of coffee. And so I went to his house. It was very nice, we had a good conversation. He has been behaving. Let’s see how long it lasts. He’s been very considerate. He was going to tell me a story but then he said “It’s about other girls, maybe you don’t want to hear it”. I said that I really didn’t want to hear it. I explained to him that I like to have the illusion of monogamy. I don’t know if anyone gets what I mean but it’s a little more comfortable to keep your flings to yourself and just focus on your FWB when she’s there. It’s like having a boyfriend or girlfriend but not really. It’s just an illusion. And it was interesting that he understood what I meant and didn’t criticize it. He also tried to know if I liked him or not. I tried to make a poker face. I like him a lot. But I don’t want to tell him that. I told him once before that I was in love with him and he almost got mad at me. I didn’t understand why he wanted to know. I want to keep it to myself and leave that out of our relationship. That might complicate things. I want to keep my feelings somewhat out of this.

The time has come for me to meditate and sleep. It’s late and I feel tired, though I laid in bed for most of the day. I’ll at least meditate, maybe I’ll get up again if I can’t sleep.

I wish you all a good day or night.

I love you. ❤

I love you

Stream of consciousness, yesterday, why people w/ mental conditions tend to smoke and more

Stream of consciousness

It’s night time. My area is quieter. Fewer cars and fewer people. Silence. One cannot simply listen to music all the time. The brain needs silence, too. I’ve been trying to draw but I lose interest quickly. Listening to outside noises. A car passes by, blasting loud music. I hear music coming from outside. It’s not the car, it’s something bigger. Music stopped. Someone is whistling. I whistle when I’m in a good mood. A dog barks. There’s a park across the street and people take their dogs there.

Yesterday

Drowned the silence in music. My dear music is so good for the soul. But I will return to silence later when it’s even quieter than before. Now it’s time to absorb all these sounds and let my imagination flow. I’m listening to a compilation someone posted on YouTube. It features Hibou, Wild Nothing, Pinkshinyultrablast, DIIV, Yppah etc

I did the exercise challenge, it was a bit hard but it feels good to be tired. I have been doing 25 crunches, exercising my arms and running in the same place. I have two medium sized machines for doing crunches, exercising arms and legs, thighs, too. They were very cheap and they come in handy now. It’s easier to work out this way.

I’ve been drinking plenty of water, tea, and coffee. I have been smoking 2 or 3 cigarettes a day, which is good. I wish I could stop altogether. It’s something I have been putting off but that I have to deal with it one of these days. Smoking is terrible for you but I really like it. People with mental illness tend to smoke more. Every hospital psych ward has a room for smokers and you would see many people there. I found this intro to an article about mental illness and smoking:

Screenshot_5

I also found this article about heavy marijuana use and dopamine. I was not happy to read that but it figures.when you overuse something, there are bound to be consequences.

Image by DeltaWorks, courtesy of Pixabay.

Yesterday, today and music

Yesterday

I keep disappointing my friends because of my addiction. I also disappoint myself and I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with my situation.I cause myself so much pain and trouble and that doesn’t deter me. I feel alone and out of control. I’m feeling hopeless and stuck.

I would like to apologize to my friends for being so weak. I wish I could be a better friend and a better person. I wish I could just stop this and get better.

I’m going to try to see my therapist twice this week, I really need support from a mental health professional. I can’t wait another week for the appointment. I need to talk and vent. Rationalize what’s going on.

I need guidance.

Today

My friend called me and we made peace. He understood what I’m going through. I know this can be hard to understand. It is so illogical. I am grateful for having people in my life that understand.

Today I’m in a good mood. I’m listening to music, finding new artists and groups on Spotify. From today, I can recommend two artists: Colleen Green and Sybille Baier. Colleen Green is very hip and the songs are very catchy. Sybille Baier is just perfect, you feel completely at peace when you listen to her songs. It’s a bit melancholic but not too much. It’s good music for listening before bed.

I’ve been struggling with writing. I don’t know if have been extra lazy or if I have been more apathetic. Maybe both. I’ll try to use prompts and other methods to help me.

I want to write every day of the week but sometimes I can’t bring myself to do it. I hope I can overcome this.

Image by Marty-arts, courtesy of Pixabay.