Night Thoughts

Hello everyone 🙂

I have started a few posts in the last few days but never finished any of them. It’s becoming annoying and I’m sick of it. So this post will be finished, it has to be haha

I woke up at 7 pm today. It wasn’t very pleasant, as I like to wake up early. It’s almost 5 am and here I am. I’m impulsive and had several coffee cups after 7. Now I’m página the price. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions”.

I stopped working out a few days ago. It’s so hard for me to keep doing it, after a while I just stop. I’ll try to do it tomorrow, as I was feeling better because of it. Those nice chemicals created because of exercise are very good.

One day, I decide I will work out. I do it religiously for about a week and then, one day, I start postponing it. “I’ll do it later”, I tell myself, several times a day. Then it just slips my mind. It’s the same with drawing. I’ll have random energy and motivation spikes. Work a lot and do cool things. Then, one day, it stops and I never know when it will come back. It also happens with cleaning. Sometimes I feel this urge to clean and I can clean a lot. There are other days that I would rather die than do it. But in the case of cleaning, I have to do it anyway.

I will try to sleep after a failed attempt at it. Hopefully I won’t wake up at a ridiculously late hour.

I love you all ❤

Image by Free-Photos, courtesy of Pixabay.

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Can BPD make you a better person in the future?

As someone who is recovering from BPD and has come a long way, I have to tell you that not everything about BPD is negative.

I believe that going through it, enduring the symptoms and the consequences of your actions, can make you a better person.

It definitely feels like it for several reasons that I will explain in the coming section.

This isn’t a generalization of all people with BPD, it’s just my experience and some people relate to it, while others don’t.

Romantic relationships

Relationships are hard for everyone: being vulnerable, sharing everything, disagreements, etc. Before I started recovering it was a complete and utter chaos. Toxic relationships, sudden breakups for petty reasons, conflict, etc. I had almost no sense of commitment and I would get into relationships too quick, without analyzing the person first. Impulsivity was something that interfered with my relationships. Little thing you told me that I didn’t like? Might break up with you tomorrow. Terrible thing you did to me but you’re my FP? I’ll stick around and add fire to the flame.

As I started healing, I noticed that I had a sense of commitment. I communicated better and didn’t get angry. There was so much abuse and drama in my past that I did my best not to live through the same thing. Started fighting more for relationships, even a little too much but I believe that I will attain balance. I had very little arguments and lots of harmony. Never cheated on him, as I know how it hurts (not by experience because I never found out that a boyfriend was cheating on me), how disrespectful it is and how bad I feel after cheating. It’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. There are many steps before you cheat. Ultimately, going down that road is up to you and you only. You can stop at any time.

The “I hate you/ Don’t leave me” relationships started disappearing from my life. I don’t go back and forth with someone, with arguments and animosity, drama. I cut or dramatically reduce contact. Can’t stand it. It feels good in a twisted way but it also feels like a prison where I’ve been before. I just don’t want to stay in toxic relationships, because of how traumatic they were in the past. Even after 15 years of dating a narcissist and especially because I recently dated another briefly, it was like my heart was burned. It is burnt flesh that hurts like hell when people do and say certain things. Which in turn made me more mindful of what I say to people, I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Friendship

The “I hate you/Don’t leave me” model of relationship also refers to friendship. It was frequent for me to have toxic friendships. It could happen that someone was my FP and I would take turns in loving and hating them. One day, they were my whole life, the other day they were terrible and would abandon me, so I better abandon them first. It hurts less that way, not that it doesn’t hurt a lot because it does. An FP is like a drug to us. It’s a kind of passion.

Sometimes, I wasn’t the most loyal because I was a people pleaser. As I started growing older and healing, I learned how to say no and say things people might not like to hear (without being rude, of course). Learning to say no is a fundamental skill for someone with BPD, as our boundaries are so poorly defined in the beginning of our struggle. We learn by reading, DBT and watching others.

Friendships are also less tense and dramatic when you are recovering. I would have fits and do huge scenes, in my worst times. I must’ve embarrassed quite a few people with my anger and impulsivity. It was probably one of the factors that contributed to being abandoned by several people. Today, I get it. On one hand, I was severely sick. On the other, people were entitled not to feel embarrassed by friends, not to want to deal with certain situations. There were a few serious situations that could’ve ended badly but luckily nothing happened. I think I scared people with my instability.

We learn that lots of people can’t deal with us but some can. I learned to cherish those people. Help them in any way I can. Now, I can love them to death and that is a somewhat stable feeling. Minor things don’t influence my opinion of the person. With time, DBT, medication and observation, we learn about nuance: how someone can be simultaneously flawed and lovable. We are the first ones to recognize that people are flawed, as we are, but we can deal with certain flaws and character defects.

To grow, we need to surround ourselves mostly with people who are kind and validating but are not enablers. We live in a world of our own, like everyone else, but in our case it can be a quite distorted world, due to our poor coping mechanisms. It’s important to have friends that remind us of what’s right or wrong and help us make better decisions.

Boundaries

Oh, boundaries. How we need them. Boundaries fail us when we are experiencing more symptoms. We let people walk over us, we let people do things to us that we don’t want, we do what we can to keep certain relationships, be it romantic or friendships. We also tend to not respect other people’s boundaries, as we don’t have strong ones. We need to have boundaries in order to understand and respect other people’s boundaries. We have our own reality tunnels, shaped by our experience, personality and BPD. If our “walls” are weak and too flexible, we will think that others are like us. At least, that’s what happens in the beginning. If we grow and change, every time we cross the line is a lesson learned.

Family

I can only speak about my parents and other relatives. I’m not a mother,so that won’t be included in my story.

My relationship with my family changed a lot over time and became stronger.

My psychiatrist once told me that it was easier for me to change than my parents. That I should adapt and tanke charge of my choices. At the time, I was already taking a good combo of medication so it was easier to have self-control. That gradually changed the dynamics of the relationship. We had reached a breaking point many years before that and they didn’t know how to act around me. They have strong personalities so they simultaneously walked on eggshells and went off on me. To be honest, I wouldn’t wish this on any parent and neither do I wish that they suffer from BPD. Because I felt miserable. I needed my parents’ love and attention. But I also pushed them away. There were reasons for me to react the way I did but there was a lot of overreacting going on.

I still briefly bicker with my father on a regular basis but it never escalates. Retreat is a good option for me. Return to headquarters haha. My relationship with my mother is much better and we rarely fight. I think she’s happier now that I’m better. She just wished that I could have a better life, while she helps me get there.

Never forget, if your parents raised you with love, they probably still love you now and are on your side. A psychologist can help you immensely (and maybe medication but that is your call) to help you see from your parents’ point of view. It’s easy to get caught up in feelings and overanalyzing and not see obvious things, though we pay attention to everything. It can also help you learn how to communicate better with the people in your life. I’ve learned so much about myself and others with my psychologists. It’s really eye-opening and helpful. If you are curious about yourself and want to evolve in a healthy way, it’s one of the bets things to do. However, not everyone can do it and I respect that. Trauma is a like a thorn in your soul. It’s not palpable but it stings and sometimes therapy is the only way to deal with it. Doing trauma work is very hard but it’s worth it. Understanding how we can find new and better coping mechanisms, that are constructive and healthy. Find ways to soothe ourselves that won’t hurt us in the long run.

There are other aspects but these were the ones who stood out to me. Everyone grows in a different way and maybe your experience wasn’t quite like mine. There isn’t a fixed road for someone with BPD, nor is there for anyone. If you would like to add something that you think BPD helped you with, feel free to comment below.

Conclusion

Can you imagine what it’s like to have a somewhat normal childhood and troubled teens but your mental health was okay. You start to have these symptoms when you’re a young adult (at least that’s what happened to me). Everything changes. You are overwhelmed and hurting. Things are going downhill and you don’t even know how to explain to your doctor how you feel. Most people never go through this. They have their own aches but such a shift in your personality is not very common. Your personality is a mask that you wear and your identity. Everyone has an idea of who they are (an idea only because no one knows that for sure, if you go to the root of it) but you don’t. And you have this chronic feeling of emptiness that you desperately want to fill. People seem to know what they’re doing and you are just trying to survive. Trying to feel okay, try to not feel so much, trying not to see so much, not to catch all those details that you later overanalyze.

With age, you also learn that things aren’t always what they seem. The face that your friend made, what he said. It can be a misunderstanding. Overreacting is only going to blow things out of proportion and create problems. But it’s a fairly normal response for someone with BPD. We are scared, confused, we need some control over things, since we lost control.

If you have BPD, believe me, wanting to change is the first step in an incredible journey of growth. A journey that only you can make. You’ll be wiser, stronger. DBT or therapy will help you cope better and re-learn how to live in a healthy way.

Maybe today you had a terrible day, full of emotions and anger and whatever else you’re dealing with but a better tomorrow is possible.

Much love to you all.

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Late Night Thoughts

I have been behaving and going to sleep early but not today. There’s no explanation for it, I was just excited to do things, all of a sudden. It’s so annoying feeling like you can do a million more things at 2 am. To have a productive night, you ruin a perfectly good next day.  I’m still debating if I’ll stay up or not. I would really like to be with my ex in the morning and afternoon. It’s almost 5 am so I’ll only be up in the afternoon. That sucks. But staying up all night and all day is also not a good idea. I’m going to stop drinking coffee and get ready for bed. Hopefully, I’ll wake up in the morning. In the worst case scenario, I’ll wake up at 3 or 4 pm.

This type of impulsivity is very detrimental to me and my life. There must be ways to curb this. It’s just that I feel unmotivated so many times that when I have some motivation and actual desire to do productive things, I just go for it. I hope this makes sense.

Now that I’m taking less medication, I sometimes feel like my spark is back. Like it’s slowly returning to normal. I’ve been drawing, working out and cleaning every day. I’ve been outside every day. I feel like I’m still taking a little too much medication and I believe that once I reduce it even more, I’ll feel even better. Never so good that I’m manic or psychotic, good and stable.

Nice, it’s 4:44. I find it so interesting when I randomly see these numbers. Not that I believe that they have any meaning, I just like number sequences. It would be fun if they meant anything esoteric or something haha. “You’ve seen 4:44. You are in the right path and you will meet the love of your life today. The angels have a message for you”. Umm, no. I really don’t believe in angels, though I respect the people who do. I don’t think it’s something harmful, though it can be. Anything can be harmful really. That’s the truth. I really have a chronic mistrust of people who say they talk to spirit guides and go to other dimensions. I’m a true skeptic, it seems like a fairy tale. If anyone has experienced anyone like that, comment below, I would love to hear your story. It would be great if it was true: people in contact with ancient teachers that transmit knowledge to them. That would be the type of thing to blow my mind. You know, when you have a tendency for paranoia, you really have to be careful with what you’re messing with. If there are such paranormal activities and individuals capable of extraordinary things (which it might be true), there are easily extraordinary people doing terrible things with said power. Dwelling on the occult and witchcraft, etc, is a good way to have a meltdown. Be very careful of the things you do and the knowledge you acquire. Sometimes it’s better to remain ignorant and not know some facts.

As people with mental health conditions, we should be very careful of what we do with our time. Self-care is a priority. Upsetting or dark themes may not be the healthiest option for us. Today, I was reading about Essentialism, the disciplined pursuit of less. It’s a really interesting subject and the book demonstrates how you can live in an essentialist ways. It’s all about saying no and establishing priorities and goals. It’s funny, the author says in the book that priority was singular for 500 years. It only became plural in the 1900’s. Sometimes we have too many priorities and are too scattered to do anything consistently. We do 1 mm of progress in a million directions, while the essentialist focuses on less. By focusin on less, you get better quality results and more self-satisfaction. I highly recommend reading this book. It’s very easy and light to read. If we were an essentialist society, which we are not, things would work much better. People would be more efficient and less stressed. The current paradigm of work must be changed but it doesn’t show many signs of change. We do seem to be going in the wrong direction when it comes to work.

Today I don’t have much time to write but I’ll write more tomorrow. I hope you have an excellent day.

 

Image courtesy of Pexels.

 

Oh, The Things I Would Do If I Didn’t Have To Clean

Hmm, so: blog post made, room almost cleaned, the other room to clean. It’s a struggle today, I don’t feel like doing any of that. Sometimes I get these urges to clean at 2 am or something. But right now, it’s like the last thing I feel like doing. Nevertheless, it must be done. I’m going to finish my cigarette and my coffee. After that, I’ll resume cleaning. Oh! The things I would do if I didn’t have to clean haha.

Cleaning takes discipline and helps cultivate it. Doing stuff when you really don’t want to do it is adulting. Can’t avoid it.

I’m listening to $uicideboy$. Their sound is interesting. One of them has a flow similar to Bone thugs and harmony. The beats are dark and very well done. Not for the faint of heart, lots of suicide, death, sex and drugs references. I don’t pay attention to the lyrics, I really enjoy the beats. It’s going to be my soundtrack for cleaning.

Here I go. I’ll be back in a few minutes, after I do what I have to do.

I finally cleaned my bathroom and room. I like cleaning the sink for some reason. Seeing it going from dirty to clean. It’s also good to see all your clothes on the hangers or folded. That special chair in your room no longer has a pile of clothes on top of it. The underwear and socks lying around the floor are on the laundry basket. Seeing everything clean and sorted is so satisfying. Relaxing for a bit afterwards feels really good.

I think I’m going to push myself and clean even more today. Sweeping the floor of a few rooms and washing the dishes. I’ll set a time to do it. In an hour, I’ll do a bit more.

In the meantime, I’m listening to music. Joji, to be exact. He is not my favorite but he has some okay songs. Now it’s Lil Peep. I’m on YouTube Music and it’s on auto-play. Not bad so far. The premium version of YouTube Music is free when you subscribe to Google Play Music. It comes in handy when I write on my phone because I can have the app playing in the background, I don’t have to split the screen and have WordPress and YouTube at the same time. It’s not that bad but I prefer the whole screen for WordPress.

I think I will draw until it’s time to start cleaning again. I hope you are having a good day. Take care.

Today (flower pictures and rain)

What an unpleasant day. I really don’t like gray and rainy.Update: I came outside. Came to a coffee shop near my house. It was nice to feel the light rain on my face. It made me feel alive. I figured that it would be good to go out, even on my own. I want to be more active and move more. Sedentary life is comfortable but not something you should pursue.It also feels good to be among people. I feel isolated, at times. Too withdrawn. I don’t know these people but I feel like I am part of something. Humanity, society, whatever.I’m wondering if I should walk a little. It feels like the best thing to do. I’ll write more in a bit.So I walked around the neighborhood for a few minutes. There’s another place nearby that has cottages and beautiful flowers. I took a few pictures.I love flowers. They’re so aesthetically pleasing. The colors and shapes are amazing.My room needs to be cleaned but I really don’t feel like it. I have to do it anyway but only after finishing this post.I also have a drawing to finish and to clean my bathroom. It’s good to do things and to be busy. Listening to music while I do is always a great way to have more fun while I clean. Folding clothes is not my favorite activity but there are worse ones.UGLYFRANK’s Jimmy Kimmel album will be playing and I can dance a little while I clean haha. People are sleeping on UGLYFRANK and GLENN from ILLFIGHTYOU. They have a fresh and original sound. If you’re a hip-hop head, you should listen to them. I really love their voices and flow. The beats are also very good. Not your average beats. I found them on the kinda neat YouTube channel. Loved the song, the attitude.I just finished my coffee and my cigarette. It’s cleaning time! Hooray! Haha Not. Well, off I go. I hope you are having a great day.

Today

What a nice day!

A sunny and warm day, with a soft cool breeze. I hung out at the park near my house with a couple of friends. It felt very good to be outside and sunbathe. But after half an hour, I was ready to go home. A bit of anxiety made me go home, also the feeling that I could be productive at home, write, draw or learn something. I don’t know if this is good or bad. It’s probably both because I actually came home, drew and wrote a poem. On the other hand, it would be better if I chose to go somewhere else with them. Walk more, breathe fresh air but no, back home I came. At least, I am being productive.

I just cleaned my room and I plan to get back to drawing soon. The drawing I’m working on is for my mother. She really appreciates my art and is one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Gave an A5 drawing I made a few days ago to my friend R. She also really likes my art.

Currently I enjoy the A5 size of paper. It’s quicker to do, still beautiful and looks great when it’s framed. I also do A3 and A4 pieces but they take sooo long. Right now, it feels better to do smaller ones, I will do about 10 and then get back to the bigger sizes.

One thing I really like about my art is that I never know how it will turn out. It’s very intuitive and I get in a flow state. It’s a mostly successful technique but sometimes it doesn’t turn out alright. It depends and I like that element of surprise.

I hope you had or are having a great day. I love you all. ❤

Morning Thoughts

Okay, so it’s 8 am and I’m already awake. I went to sleep relatively early (around 1 am).

I really enjoy my morning coffee. It’s kind of a ritual to me. A warm cup of coffee while I watch the street outside.

It’s a warm and sunny day. Birds are chirping happily near my window. My cats go wild with that sound.

As of today, I have 902 followers. I’m really happy about it. It’s an incentive to keep writing. Sometimes it’s so hard to just sit down and write. It feels like you won’t be able to do it, you’re boring, you don’t know what to say. But that is an illusion. It’s always possible to write a good post, to be constructive.

I haven’t posted much in these last few weeks. I did the mistake of starting but not finishing several posts. Now, when I start a post, I make myself finish it and post it. The work is wasted if I don’t post it. I need to keep the blog updated, for SEO purposes. Yes, Google likes to rank pages that are updated frequently higher. You not only have to format your posts in certain ways, you have to update your blog regularly.

I’ve been drawing a lot lately. I do one or two drawings daily. My creativity and motivation are high these days. I want to do an exhibition of my art. There are a few local places where I could do it. I’m working on pieces for the exhibition. It feels good to have more purpose. Drawing is so therapeutic to me. I just draw and draw, let my imagination flow. I bought eight pencils the other day. Now my pieces are even tighter. Buying pencils is really addictive. I’m never satisfied haha. I always want other colors. The problem is those pencils are expensive and I’m somewhat broke. I have to save a little money and buy them from time to time. I always feel so good when I buy a few pencils. There’s no better feeling than drawing with a new pencil. Especially pencils as soft as these.

There’s a boutique under my house. It’s expensive, most pieces are over 100 dollars. But there is a 70% off rack, which I didn’t know. So I bought two pairs of pants and a ring for 75 dollars. What a bargain.

Black summer pants

Steel ring with rhinestones

Black leather pants

The first pair of pants is loose and the leather pants are tight. It’s my first pair of leather pants but I always thought they looked so cool on people. And I don’t think it goes out of fashion . There’s always individuals who enjoy wearing them.

I lost more weight, I’ll show you a picture,on another post, of the pants I used to wear and the pants I’m wearing now. I lost 3 or 4 sizes. Started eating less and in a healthy way. Working out throughout the day. Walking outside almost every day. That really changed my appearance. It feels good to be lighter and thinner. I never really liked being obese. At least, I didn’t hate my body. I thought that it was beautiful anyway. Now, I feel more me. It’s easier to walk and work out. Clothes fit me better. Feels good, man haha.

I’m going to start drawing and I really, really need to finish my post about self-care but it’s been so haaard. I need to use my computer and I have zero motivation to turn it on. I can do so much with my phone, it feels like it’s kind of useless or redundant, though it really isn’t. Do you ever have phases where you don’t want to turn on your computer? How do you deal with that? Maybe it was some kind of electronic burnout. But it’s been about 3 weeks, it should be over by now.

I’m going to start drawing now. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Today

Aah! I just took a shower and wore a clean pajama. It’s one of the best feelings in life, imo.

I’m listening to an audiobook on Librivox and drawing. I feel relaxed and content.

I did my workout before the shower and will repeat it two more times today. Adding one or two exercises to the routine would be great, as I’ve been doing the same 4 exercises since last week. Exercising is a good way to cultivate discipline and I need it a lot. I mean, everyone does. It’s a very crucial skill for having a balanced life.

It feels great to stick to my workout program and not give up after two days, like I did so many times. I actually like working out now, for some reason, which is very good.

I’m going to continue drawing and listening to music. I’ve been working on an article about self-care but it has been sitting on my word processor for about two weeks. My computer has been off this whole time, I don’t feel like using it. It’s very weird. Hopefully I won’t feel this way for much longer. I really need to use my computer.

I hope you are okay.