Morning Thoughts

Hello, everyone.

I’ve written every day, over these past two weeks but I’m having a little trouble posting. I start the posts and always fail to finish. It’s very frustrating. That changes today.

I’ve been feeling better, made some new online friends that I really like. I’ve been learning so much about music on Facebook alternative music groups. It’s something that I really enjoy and that makes me happy.

This morning, I’m listening to The Cure’s Pornography album. It’s a very good album and their sound has aged so well. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like The Cure. Their sound appeals to a broad audience. They are one of the godfathers of indie rock. I listened to Disintegration afterwards. It’s also a flawless and timeless album. I highly recommend both albums but I suggest listening to their entire discography.

I will spend the rest of my day listening to music and doing courses. I have to be as busy as possible. It helps me a lot and I’ve been learning so much about music and blogging, among other things. Skillshare really has a plethora of courses, made by people with experience in the subject. Blogging courses are super helpful, even for people with some experience and knowledge. Everything is complex, if you want to be proficient. You need to analyze your blog, your stats. Picture your average reader and aim to write something that will appeal to them, while you also write about something that means something to you. There is so much to learn about blogging, I will never stop learning.

The day started gray but now it’s sunny. I may go for a walk in a few hours. It would be good for me. I haven’t walked much lately.

I may also take a shower today. I’ll try to do it standing up and not fill the tub with water. I had enough energy to do that yesterday. The antidepressant dosage I take now was increased. Hopefully it will help me. I don’t like when I have to increase the dosage of what I take but it’s a necessary evil.

I feel so good today. I hope you and I have a really good and productive day. I love you ❤️❤️❤️

Picture taken from Pexels.

Advertisements

Today ( how to deal with unpleasant emotions)

Well, I had a nice post but something derailed my day. I had to rest, listen to music and I started doing a course on Skillshare that is called The Amazing Routine. It was very enlightening and inspiring. I had to do a blueprint for my daily routine. I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and do things that I’m not used to. It sounds like the method may help me overcome some obstacles, set and achieve goals, change habits. I’m excited and I hope I can keep it up. It has to be something that captivates me, like writing or drawing. It’s enjoyable to do and the exercises are not too hard. The hardest part is doing it every day for months.

The blueprint for my amazing routine took me about an hour to do and I feel content with putting the effort to do something for self-improvement. I will be updating you on how it goes. Also because I need to be held accountable. That helps me stick to things.

So here’s my tip for today: if something unpleasant happens and you have free time, do a guided meditation, listen to soothing music, meditate without music, nap. Do whatever feels better. After you calm down, you may still feel sad and frustrated. Do a course, something that you’re passionate about. Go on Reddit and go in those interesting rabbit holes. Don’t passively scroll Facebook. You may see stuff you don’t like. Take some time to write,to watch a movie. Keep your mind occupied. Doing constructive things is the best, they give you the best feeling because they can be challenging and the reward and sense of pride in your work is amazing. Try not to ruminate on thoughts and find interesting projects or ideas to develop.

I’m going to meditate and sleep now. I’ve been going to sleep around 1 am. It feels good to wake up early. I’ll set my alarm tonight. I need to wake up at the same time every day. I want to see if it’s beneficial to my mental health.

I wish you all a good day or night. Hugs

Hello from the… countrysiiide!

Hello, everyone!

I’m in the countryside tonight. I arrived this afternoon. I’ll be here for a few days.

It seems like a crime to be listening to music with headphones and not enjoy the crickets, the llamas walking nearby, cows in the distance with their bells. The sky is amazing, I can see everything so clearly. I can see nearby farms because some of them have some lights on, all night.

I’m outside, sitting in a wooden chair, on a nice deck. It faces the field where llamas and other animals live. Sometimes I can hear them walk. I think one of the llamas is somewhat near me. I guess they like company.

The day went well. I shut up as many as it was needed, in order to have peace. It’s working. I almost didn’t come here because of my father. Then my mother told me it could be our last trip together. That broke my heart but it also help me make the best decision.

I’m going to try to sleep, I’m having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I hope you are okay. Much love

Afternoon Thoughts

Hey everyone!

I woke up at 7 am. Today, I feel much more positive and energized. Tomorrow, I’m going on holiday to the country side. I’m really excited about it.

Meditation has been a lifesaver these days. It has helped me soothe all the pain I feel inside. It has helped me get answers and peace.

I’m going to take some time to write, while I’m out of here. A sort of retreat. A change of scenery is always beneficial. I’ve been stuck in a rut and I could definitely use some time to be productive and also relax, in a quiet and peaceful place. I just hope the weather is still warm enough to be in the pool and the outdoor hot tub.

Today, I finished my motivation course on Skillshare. It was amazing, I highly recommend it. It’s called 10x Ultra Motivation. It focuses on the various factors that influence motivation, types of motivation, etc. It acknowledges depression and mental health as a cause for lack of motivation. The instructor prefaces the advice by saying that depression is serious and that people with that condition should look for professional help. The title of the course may seem exaggerated but it does give you a boost, in a non-aggressive and understanding way. I’ve never found motivational lectures to be useful but this course about motivation is definitely very helpful because it provides us with practical advice and tips. I’m going to watch it again today, to really soak it in.

I have some things to do and should get going. I have visited some of your blogs but didn’t have the chance to comment yet but I will! I hope you have a great day.

Night Thoughts (Skillshare courses and writing tips)

These days have not been very good. Life is peaceful, though. My turmoil is interior.

I subscribed to Skillshare again and I have been doing courses. I’ve chosen a physical activity challenge, that consists of stretching. I did the first day, but I’ve missed one day. So, I’m starting over.

I also did a writing for blogs course there, they have many blogging and writing courses. It talked about how to create a blogging and writing ritual. It provides us with a lot of tips and tricks to develop a writing habit. They talk about free writing. It’s the act of writing whatever comes to mind, as you do in streams of consciousness. You set a timer for 15 minutes and write as much as you can. If you’re stuck and don’t know what to write, write about that. You can also use this technique to brainstorm ideas for a post. Set a time for 15 minutes and write as many ideas for posts as you can.

After you are done with free writing, you read what you wrote and look for parts that you could use on a post. You’re not supposed to post free writing (though who am I to tell you what to do, you can post whatever you want). Google rewards quality content, so maybe you’re free writing exercise is not the best thing to post, just a thought, you do you.

It’s also good to set a time to write every day. Make it a part of your daily routine. Associate a chore or other activity to it. If you don’t have enough time, schedule it to another time. Don’t blow it off entirely.

If you’re like me and have motivation issues, I recommend the Skillshare course on motivation, which I’ve been watching tonight. It does have a way to motivate you in a way that motivational speeches rarely do. It’s 10x Ultra Motivation. The lecturer give you tips for motivating yourself, achieving goals and getting things done. It’s important to understand the psychology of motivation, what is external and internal motivation, among other things.

I’m hoping that these courses will help me polish my craft and improve my life. You don’t necessarily need a diploma in these types of subjects. You just need to learn and apply it. Maybe even apply it to a real course with a diploma because there are some subjects that demand it and it’s good to add to your CV.

I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction, since I’m learning a lot and keeping myself occupied. My mind has been a mess lately, so many intrusive thoughts. Really unpleasant, I do not recommend it haha. God bless my undying sense of humor, it’s probably my best coping mechanism.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a deep sadness. I don’t feel dissatisfied as I was feeling before because I’ve been avoiding Facebook. But recent events have really affected me. Nothing serious, it’s just my fragile feelings and dealing with heartbreak. My friends, my heart was not broken, it was crushed. But I won’t go into that, it hurts.

I’ve been meditating every day, for at least an hour. It’s helping me so much, you can’t imagine. I have been meditating lying on my bed. I end up falling asleep and I get wonderful and restful sleep. I need to keep doing this every day and keep increasing the time I spend meditating. I want to become a serious, daily meditator. I feel like it will be an interesting and fulfilling journey. I need that spiritual side, it does help a lot.

I am now going to meditate for an hour or so. I hope everyone is doing well and I will drop by your lovely blogs ASAP. Much love.

Yesterday, today, work and other thoughts

Oh wow! I slept for 8 hours today. I feel great. I can’t take a nap this afternoon or I might ruin my sleep schedule again.

Had yet another disappointment but wasn’t surprised, as usual. It’s like people could be anything and they choose to be jerks. I don’t understand. If you hate me or despise me or whatever, don’t keep me in your life. That’s all I ask. And yet, some people want me on their life for some reason and yet treat me like crap. Luckily, there’s only one person in my life that fits this description. I’ve been steadily cutting off people like that. It’s the best thing you can do for your mental health. And it saves you a lot of trouble.

Today, if someone annoys me or starts bs, I’m going to tell that person to fuck off. No matter who he/she is (unless it’s my mom or dad or another family member or a close friend). I feel like some people tested my patience and it’s nowhere to be found. And every time someone is mean to me, I isolate myself more. Which sucks and they go about their lives as usual, while I feel sad and down. And that pisses me off even more, you can’t imagine. Those people don’t care. And even claim to be spiritual and searching for enlightenment and so on. Come on. I know that I don’t get to decide who should or shouldn’t be spiritual but it’s so odd how someone can claim to be on a spiritual path and then be completely unkind and even malevolent. Buddha never said “go on, hurt people as you’ve been hurt”. He suggests a path of good actions and even good thinking, in order to bear life better. A way of looking at life that is very concrete and sobering. Accepting that life is suffering but that there is a way to suffer less. Never to add suffering to other people’s lives. Nor did Christ say that. Unless your spirit is dark and you want to it to remain that way. That’s one explanation. But I’m not going to think about it anymore. Let those people go and best of luck to them.

You know, saying fuck off is empowering. It’s a great way to end a stupid conversation. It means that you will not tolerate some remarks. It means that you don’t appreciate being treated like that. It’s a way to assert yourself and resort a very old instinct. I bet we told each other to fuck off since the beginning of time. I digress. Don’t be afraid to end a conversation that is not benefiting you or is making you uncomfortable or sad. A conversation that crosses the line. We’ve all had them. Something inside of you tells you that it isn’t right, that you are being mistreated in some way. That has happened to me in the past and I accepted it for love. Oh god, never again. People who love you and know how to love you don’t hurt you. Loving is not enough, you’ve got to know how to love. If you’re damaged in some way and not being treated or healing, you may hurt someone. I am guilty of doing that in the past. I had too much baggage and trauma. I hurt people unintentionally and that still makes me sad to this day. But I’ve also come to somewhat accept that it was a part of my journey and a way to learn how to be a better person. And I believe that I’m a better person now, nowhere near very good but, at least, neutral. That makes me feel content but I know that I can do even better. Baby steps. It’s all about the baby steps.

I have yet to call to my therapist, though I need it a lot. I’m such a slacker. I procrastinate so much. What a disaster. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to get anything done, except writing and house work.

My friend messaged me today. He said that he wanted me to call him. I did. We talked things through and we will see each other tomorrow. I miss him. Talking to him was good. I just can’t get close to him. We have to talk more sporadically. I hope that I’m not making a bad decision. Something in my gut tells me that he doesn’t mean harm.

I have been feeling more empowered and I have more energy. I’ve been showering every day, like I should. I’ve been taking care of my spaces, washing dishes. I made chocolate pancakes for me and my mom. They were delicious. I cooked lunch for my father yesterday, as well. I’m laying the foundation for a better future. A future where I’m active and lead a productive life. I know that it’s possible, I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time, of studying and meditating. Getting out of my comfort zone and do what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took two of my cats to the vet. They had a cold and one of them had bronchitis. They are heavy so my mother asked me to go with her and so I did. It wasn’t easy. We spent about 45 minutes there. It seemed like three hours. The room was very small. But I felt proud and empowered afterwards. I helped my mother with our pets. I don’t mind helping her. It is my duty as a daughter of a loving mother. She has done so much for me, it’s the least I could do.

I need to do some bureaucratic things next week. Maybe because it’s August, there will be less people in line. Going there at around 7 am is also a possibility. Gotta love the services we have here. Well, tough it up, butter cup. There are worse things in life. I also need to do my eyebrows and I should do them tomorrow. It’s interesting, once you start to take care of yourself, you don’t want to stop. It becomes a part of you. I should cut my hair, one of these days. My nails are done, they are red and short. I love black nails. I also love other colors.

3 am. Woke up at midnight. I can’t fall asleep too late or else I’ll ruin tomorrow. Or should I say today. Technically, it is today already. A few hours away from dawn. I still have time. It’s the biggest luxury I have, besides a house and my basic needs met. I never forget. Sometimes, I look around, look at my life and my friends. I’m pleasantly surprised and grateful that I have what I have and that they are a part of my life. I’m grateful for my evolution, in terms of maturity and mental health. My evolution as a meditator and how balanced my mood is. It’s the little things that become bigger and greater things over time. I just have to remain active, keep pursuing my dreams, while trying to get in the mindset of finding a job out of my house. A part-time job, for example. In a supermarket or something like that. I think that I could be a cashier or someone who stocks the shelves. I have to keep pondering on that idea, visualize it, make it a part of me. That would give my parents great joy. And that is something that can motivate me, I’ll do anything to make my parents happy and proud of me. They mean everything to me. I also have to focus on the money I’ll earn, the fact that I will be out of the house, interacting with different people. I think working will be great for me. I’m so scared that I will feel suffocated by having to go 5 days a week. I hate feeling stuck. It should be 4 work days and 3 days off. I’m serious. It would be ideal to everyone, except workaholics but maybe they could work 5 or 6 days a week. There would be a week day off, where you could take care of issues with banks and so on. Another day (Saturday, for example) for resting and cleaning. The third day would be for doing a little more cleaning, plenty of rest and preparing for the week. People tend to get stressed out with five days a week, why should we subject people to that? It’s very detrimental to our physical and mental health. Sometimes, your supervisor might ask you to do overtime, several times a week. I’ve worked like that and I know exactly what it can do to you. It wrecked me. Wreaked havoc on my health. I was so sick that I had to quit my job. I was in a good team, working for a good company. People were talking about promoting me. I stood apart from the rest of the colleagues that were trained at the same time as me. Now, it’s too late. It doesn’t matter anymore. Only the future matters. Only today. My words in the past, blowing in the wind. Fragments of moments that won’t be forgotten, for they are immortalized.

I feel so good. Things make sense, the stars are aligned. The future could be bright. Brighter, as it is bright right now, despite how I feel sometimes. I need to control my feelings better and get a thicker skin. That is essential for my survival. I can’t take everything so seriously. Not online or Irl. I have more of a troll attitude of not taking most things seriously. But I don’t actually troll, I just shitpost on a group that I like, on Facebook. I try not to get offended by things, unless they are vile and terrible. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen an awful post there. I stay away from toxic content. I don’t make mean comments and start fights. That’s not who I am.

I’m hearing a lot of noises at my house today. It isn’t very normal, though weird things happen from time to time. But I won’t get into that. I’m used to it by now. It’s a matter of mindset. I refuse to have fear. I’m scared only for a few seconds. I breathe in deeply and keep calm. And it passes. Peace returns and I am back to my relaxed self.

We all have burdens: the burden of existence, kids, parents, relatives and other people. But some are good to bear. You feel accomplished by doing it, you do it out of love and compassion. But for me, by far, the worst burden is the burden of existence. I’ve been getting some existential dread from time to time. But I also won’t get into that reality tunnel, not now and not today.

It’s raining so much. In August. What the hell? It shouldn’t be raining. At least it’s not cold. The sound of the rain is soothing. It feels like heaven in my ears. But it’s very unusual. Every year, by August is really warm and it doesn’t rain. Sometimes we even have too little rain and it harms the crops. It rarely rained in the summer, climate is surely changing. I’m not the most informed person on this issue. Most of the scientific community accepts that climate change is due to mankind. Other people say that this is normal and the weather always changes and has always changed from time to time. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: yes, pollution and other hazardous activities are accelerating climate change. And yes, weather always changed from time to time, we have proof of that. The conclusion should be: recycle, don’t buy too many things you don’t need, use a reusable bag for groceries(you can even use little cloth bags for fruits and veggies), buy second hand, trade, sell or donate what you don’t use. There are so many things we can do to help the environment.

I am now preparing to go to sleep. I’m listening to chill out music and writing my last sentences before I go to sleep. But before sleeping, I always have to meditate. I’m doing a meditation course on an app I have reviewed called Serenity. I also do two daily meditations: a mini meditation (it’s about 3 minutes long, on average) and the daily practice (it’s 10 minutes long, on average). The course tales around 10 or more minutes, a session. It also has meditations for sleep and other occasions. Having an app that allows you to have a daily practice that you can track is always a plus. You can always go back and do daily meditations that you didn’t do on a certain day. I sometimes get angry and I shouldn’t. It isn’t very common but I don’t want it to happen. Meditation is very helpful in that sense.

This was a long one. If you’ve come this far, I salute you. I hope you are okay. ❤

2019 Blog Stats So Far

Jesus, 19,000 views in a year and a half. I feel great. Almost 10,000 visitors. I am truly honored. It seems that my words travel a lot more than I do. Hopefully, they take you, my reader, to many different places.

482 posts is so much. It’s a lot of work but it was done with love 💘. I don’t feel like I wrote that much but it seems like I did, while struggling with depression, agoraphobia and BPD. Truly an accomplishment for a new blogger. Even if I only had 100 views, I would be happy. But this feels truly amazing.

So, this year, I wrote 107 posts. They received 271 comments and 2,223 likes. I wrote 52k words ( whoa). An average of 491.2 words per post. I love writing long posts. I sometimes ramble a little, that’s just how I am.

Looking at these stats only makes me want to do more and more. Keep writing, creating. It takes the strength of every fiber of my being to write sometimes. I delete lots of posts because I fail to finish them but I always write at least a post every week. That’s the secret. Pushing through and talking from your heart. Some people will relate, others won’t. Just keep saying what happens to you or your wishes, fear, whatever comes to mind but should be said.

I had a blog on Blogspot many years ago. It was a poetry blog. Only in 2017 did I start writing on this blog. And, boy, what a journey. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed. I’ve received kind comments. I’ve received a million spam messages, that WordPress filters so well. I have received praise and conpliments. People could relate and shared their stories with me. I read their stories in their blogs, we bonded. We all shared a dream: to write. It didn’t matter if we were good, great or mediocre. We tried and tried again. Our poems evolved, our journal became more intricate. We grew together, learning from one another.

When you have a mental illness, you can feel alone and disenfranchised. There can be periods of solitude and pain. There will be moments of contentment within our solitude. We will experience it all. And in those painful moments, we know we can post here. In the best and brightest moments we can write an ode to happiness. I’ve been sad but it this sadness has been highly creative. I feel like it opened and closed me. I remain open and closed. Spirit open, heart closed. Heart closed for maintenance, while my spirit flies. I grow spiritually and strengthen myself. It’s all I need. And while I heal, I write. I share my journey, my thoughts, anything I find useful.

I will go back to do more in-depth articles about mental health, as I used to do. I miss it and I think the blog needs. There’s a better chance of my spreading my word through organic Google search results. One of my articles BPD and FP(favorite person) has 1800 hits in a year, an average of 8 a day. Imagine if I keep writing articles about things that are widely discussed and others that aren’t, how much the blog can grow.

Thank you so much for reading and interacting with my blog.

Poem: Ramblings Of A Hyperactive Mind

I wonder

Why I have these days

When words seem to flow freely

From my mind to the internet

They want to upload our brains

Oh yes

They do

Will it be safe for us?

Who knows what they can do?

Will our privacy be important?

Will that data be sold profit?

Oh yes

They could

But I sip every second like wine

All the time

Drinking minutes and hours

Swimming in months

The time is now

As it was yesterday

And the day before

I want more

More action, more movement

More love , more passion

Hard pass

Love and passion are tough

And can both pass

Feelings like glass

As they are broken

They cut

They cut open my chest

A wound that fails to heal

I bleed

But I don’t die

I’m fierce

Like every wounded animal