Returning To WordPress After So Long

My WordPress journey started in 2018. I was going through a lot and blogging helped me a whole lot. I began gaining some tration and meeting other bloggers online. The community was so kind and supportive. However, I started to become overwhelmed. I was in survival mode, desperate for a break. Then came the pandemic. I couldn’t see my psychiatrist. I asked fo support, to find a new one. My former psychiatrist, once again, confirmed what I suspected about psychiatrists.

When you have BPD, you need the doctor to be 100% committed to your case. You need to be understanding and respect the patient’s time. Yes, we are no easy to treat, by any means. But we desperately need help. But doctors get frustrated. You quit an addiction, it lasts for about a year and then you relapse. Maybe the meds aren’t the right ones.

I fouund out thar I was taking a sub-therapeutical dose of my mood stabilizer. It means that it was basically doinng nothing. My former doctor was so irresponsible. My impuslvity and mood were all over the place sometimes. It interfered wiith my life. A year down the drain and I have no time to lose.

I got so angry. So frustrated for not having appointments. For a while, in 2020, thing went well. I was working out 5-6 days a week. Started working on my art every day and sold my first piece. It was funny because the buyer was an ex of mine. Truly wholesome. So things were going well.

I have to say that one of my biggest issues last year was the way my parents and I communicated. Sometimes, we were very toxic. I try to cultivate an harmonious communication with everyone and it just wasn’t possible. There was a lot of negative feedback between us.

However, not to toot my horn, I was able to break the cycle. I also noticed that, as I was changing and evolving in 2021, that my dad was making an effort to be less critical and more agreeable to me. We started talikng more to me but he is still distant. Nevertheless, he is doing his best and I appreciate it.

I started doing therapy last year, in a very BPD way, which means that it wasn’t that often. I’m working on that and really want to have 2 sessions a month. Let’s hope that iit goes well, I will try my best to be consistent.

I have talked about consistency before. It really is the key to a productive life and it absolutely should be cultivated. I found that supplements for focus and concentration helped me so much with that. Now I am able to sit through videos with amazing sharpness of mind. I seem to be more hooked on the video, my mind doesn’t drfft away as easlily. Centella asiatica and Lion’s mane have been incredibly helpful wit motivation as well. My mood has also improved considerably. No suicidal ideation lately and I’m LIVING for it.

But, returning to WordPress and writing, sometimes I have these powerful writer’s blocks. I simply do not feel inclined to write. So I stop. Howeve, I beliee that I’ll always return. Words are my home. Can’t live without them for too long.

It’s great to be back and I hope that I ca write much more from now on. I missed this and my lovely blogger friends.

Much love to everyone.

Stream of consciousness about my holidays and insights on BPD

I went on holiday for 5 days. It was great for my mental health but it’s always a painful reminder of my limitations.

I was in an apartment, very close to the beach. There was a pool, it was really good. I did not set foot on the beach. Not once. It was always windy there and I hate the feel of wind with sand on my body. But still, that was really bad on my part. Am I being too  hard on myself? It’s easy to overlook that I travelled for a few hours to get there and did a long walk, by myself, once. So it could’ve been worse, it definitely could. I went to the pool twice, which I think was far too little. I spent most of the time either meditating, sleeping or in the balcony. There was a table there and a couple of chairs. At least the scenery changed. But every night except for the last one, there were people making noise in the beach. Drinking, singing. Not really social distancing or wearing masks. But that is only a detail.

The local supermarket was amazing. A lot of organic food from good branda, at a great price. You know you’re 30 and love to eat when you get excited about supermarkets. I don’t care, food is amazing and I don’t binge eat. I’m very careful about what I eat. And by eating healthy and not overdoing it, I’m improving my life. I don’t feel like I need to justify myself, this is just for context. It’s important to be happy about little things that are good for you.

Vacations, eating well, resting, meditating: all of this makes me feel better and more balanced. I only really leave my town once a year but still, it’s good. Especially because I’m somewhat on holiday all year long. It’s just not a holiday because I am home and I have several limitations.

I’ve been using this app called Fabulous and it’s helping me a lot. I entered a short walk challenge today. I have to walk 5-10 minutes every day, for a week. I did my part already. Went outside twice to buy a few things and walked for more than 5 minutes. Now, I’m just resting in my writing and bed, getting in the mindset of going out again at the end of the afternoon. It’s far too hot right now, but if I feel like it, that won’t be an obstacle. I tolerate heat very well.

Something that has been happening to very often, is seeing the silver lining in a bad situation not long after it happens. I get sad or upset or anxious about a certain situation, and I can shift my mindset by asking with curiosity what I can learn from that situation. What I can do to change, what I can do to not experience that again or avoid it as much as possible. And that lead me to make choices. Said choices will prevent many problems in the future, at least in some areas.

I’m getting better at dealing with disappointment. I don’t put people on pedestals anymore. I see them in a realistic way. So when people screw up, again, I feel bad but I end up understanding,

So I’m listening to this. It is the sound of oldies in another room while it rains and there’s a thunder storm outside. I find it incredibly soothing. My last days were weird, I almost had a panic attack yesterday because of the stress. I really find these types of videos to cheer me up and relax me. It’s like I am transported to that room, during that storm. A sort of psychological change in scenery.

Oldies really take you to a different time and place. These are American oldies, I can’t quite put my finger on how old they are but I’m guessing that these songs are from the 40’s or 50’s. It’s interesting to me how the sound of rain and thunder, coupled with the retro songs can be so soothing. Nature is truly generous with the nice and soothing sounds it provides. Also, the fact that I don’t know the songs and, therefore, have no emotional attachment to them besides the feeling of comfort and nostalgia.

I just took my second shower of the day, it was really hot and I like to sleep clean and fresh. Now that I came from my holiday, I feel energized. I’ve drawn, watched lectures, read, etc. It feels really good to be at home, during quarantine.

When it comes to covid, my attitude remains the same: masks everywhere, shower once or twice a day, washing hands thoroughly and often, avoid public transportation and being with people who are not wearing a mask. I love that most of my building complies with the advice given by the WHO. I try to keep my mind off it by not watching the news often.

My parents watch the news two or three times a day. I don’t know how they take it because it’s mostly so bleak and depressing. Bombing here, earthquake there, floods somewhere else. The realization that there is a tragedy going on at any given time can. be overwhelming. How does one cope?

You can’t help everybody. That is a fact. You obviously should help and be kind. Life can be fair and unfair. We roll the dice every day, even though we build our future with every action and every word. Because in our future success does not lie only career and financial success. If we can be successful in growing as a person, changing, adapting, overcoming trauma, that is, in itself, a victory.

That is why despite not being financially independent at the moment, I feel victorious. I was at war with the world and myself. Trying to understand who I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to change and what I wanted to keep. And this foundation that I slowly built, will be the basis of my growth in several areas. A foundation of self-love, empathy, compassion, assertiveness, logic, discipline, and all that is needed to move forward and build a good life.

You know, some people don’t understand what it’s like to have BPD because either they have that foundation or they can get by being dysfunctional. Sometimes just the fact that someone has to survive, has to provide for himself and his family, for example, there are extra factors that move the person. But, even then, not everyone is able to maintain a productive lifestyle, even when they need it to survive. Mental health can overwhelm us, take control of our lives in many ways.

That’s why it’s so important to take care of it, as best as we can. Even if it’s “just” self-care. We need to nurture ourselves, in a world that can be so uncaring and so ruthless. If, many times, the world isn’t kind to us, it is added stress when we are unkind to ourselves.

We go through phases. Life is a learning process and we also need time to process events, to better understand them. In that way, we can choose more wisely and build a more peaceful life.

At first, it might be extremely hard to accept that it was our fault without hating ourselves. We won’t be able to forgive ourselves for a while. We won’t be able to forgive others.

I find that having a healthy amount of hate, which is not a lot for someone who hurt us, while still understanding why they did what they did, is a good mix. You get a manufactured closure that you yourself generated. You just don’t want to be in a love-hate relationship with anyone.

As you get oolder you learn that it’s better to let go than to hold on to toxic relationships: romantic, friendship, whatever.

I’d say that people with BPD are emotionally like people who get bruised easily. We always have unpleasant memories lurking around. And if they keep happening, if you allow that in your life, you will keep getting bruised. And you will still resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with what happens. That is a part of our vicious cycle.

I noticed that the more I cut off people who hurt me often from my life, the better the people that came into my life. A pattern isn’t broken in a day. It can take years. And you will still find toxic people from time to time but you will have this need to avoid them.

In my case, I have to avoid two people that I dated and that are very special to me. If I can do that and after I’ve done it, it was easier to let go of people who were detrimental to my mental health.

When you have the right amount of empathy, you tend to have compassion with assholes. You understand why they are that way and that is very good. But you can have compassion for someone and stay away. Because you have even more compassion and respect for yourself.

We tend to over share a lot. We want the person to have a nuanced perspective about us, so we can be validated. Many times, we are just making ourselves vulnerable to narcissists, gossip, etc. If you keep working on yourself, going to therapy, doing self-analysis and breaking patterns, you will be reprogramming yourself.

You will finally have a clear idea of who you are and, as you discover how you are, you will probably discover meaning and purpose, which is very important.

I have found meaning and purpose. However, I am exhausted. I need a little time to recover. It’s been a struggle but there is some beauty in the struggle. The beauty of growing and evolving. Changing but becoming more and more the authentic you. No need to be a people pleaser or justify yourself, in order to be validated. You start validating yourself and might even end up thinking about things from another perspective and realizing how badass you are, without growing a huge ego.

You are a tiny dust particle that is badass. There is no inherent meaning to life, that we know of, except for the one that we give to it.

All of this is just a very long way of saying that you can heal, you can grow and change. In essence, you will still be you. A wonderful work of art and a work in progress. You can go color yourself as a painting, with interests and skills. Using your creativity as a therapeutic thing. Writing, drawing, etc.

I’m documenting my journey in order to give people hope. I believe in you. I will always share what helped me, as it might be helpful to other people.

I love you all ❤

The picture was taken by me

Stream of consciousness

Reflecting on your reflection; there are other people who act like me, who cry like me, who laugh like me. There are pieces of me scattered around humanity. I used to have a blind spot for them, like most people. Until I started paying attention to my characteristics on other people. Did I like them? Were they ridiculous or flawed? Flawed in a way that had a negative influence on my overall being. Many times, I did not like what I saw, so I worked to change it. I went from believing that personality was immutable, my ego exploding do to past insecurity. Like an insect that stings your arm and there appears a pimple, the size proportional to the severity of the lesion. As the body fought the aggression, white blood cells and others doing what they are meant for, the bloated skin subsides. As you see yourself in others, your ego starts decreasing. You are more open to constructive criticism. You see it as a self-growth tool, not an attack. If you hate yourself, things might seem more hurtful than they are. When we are open to growth and change, we appreciate it. There is no need to hide inside a bloated ego. There is no need to hate yourself, when you are able to work on what makes you loathe yourself. It can be a phase. You can learn to love yourself by slowing making an effort to change and evolve. Easier said that done, I know. Baby steps. Slowly you can reach a better place. Beautiful in practice but life can be utterly cruel, no matter how hard you try. That’s why we meditate, that’s why we accept difficult times as lessons, we ask with curiosity what we can learn from it. We embrace adversity as a means to grow. But people grow tired. I was tired. I was able to take a break from life and heal. Not everyone has the privilege of doing that. So don’t take my words as a “if I can do it, anyone can do it”. I don’t believe in that. For someone to do something, there must be certain conditions, certain personality traits. It is multifactorial. The same experience can have multiple different effects in different people. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay not be able to keep trying for some time. It’s okay to be flawed, not have the perfect body. It’s okay. And if it’s not okay, we will make it okay. We will explore other realms of possibility. We will look in the mirror every day, being kinder. Then, one day, we will look in said mirror and be proud of our flaws. Be proud of our wrinkles, our scars. Embrace what we can’t change. And in that day, we will be closer, we will be closer to happiness. That fleeting and sublime feeling. And maybe one day, we will be able to be happier more often, to be in peace. Even when there is no justice, even when this mad world brings us down. And we can cultivate that peace, piece by piece. Cutting off, ignoring, standing up for ourselves. Putting up moveable walls, limits to our being. Wanting more. Expecting less from people. Expecting more from ourselves while understanding our limitations. We are more than this. We are more than these reactions, these things that hinder our pprogress. We are more but so many of us think that we are less. Less than. With treatment, with evolution, with age comes knowledge. Knowledge of self from a distance. Like we are seeing ourselves through other people’s eyes.

The struggle comes and goes

Hello, beautiful people.

Today, I was reading articles in an app called Deepstash. Self-improvement articles, to be more precise. I don’t plan on talking about the app, at least not today, because I am definitely not in that headspace. I came here to vent, once again, and share my insights on some issues.

I was sober for about 20 days. It was easy. Some things that were fairly serious happened to me, which I don’t want to write about. All it needs to be said is that I got fed up with hash, in more ways than one. It became harder to get, I didn’t want to be bothered anymore. It was not HARD hard. It was harder in comparison. I had been telling myself for about a year that if it became harder to get, I would quit. I guess that it became a subconscious thought or I could predict my future actions based on my feelings at the time.

What matters is that I did quit. After day 2, it was effortless. I can say that it was effortless until about night time. It is effortless until it isn’t. That’s basically it. And the fact that I had to meet someone facilitated my relapse. Ironically, hours after I was reading on the science of not making bad decisions.

I took absolutely nothing that I read into consideration. Not doing things because of future goals or principles or whatever. Thinking of the bigger picture, cultivate mental resilience and saying no to things that hinder your progress. Nope. None of that came to mind.

That’s why addiction was classified as a mental health condition. It interferes with your life, your decision making, etc. Why shouldn’t it be considered a condition? Something pathological that needs to be treated in order to lead a better life. That is something that I saw in the system. From treating addiction as a character flaw, a conscious choice to treating it with kindness and even being told that I am more than my conditions.

I don’t even remember the last time I saw my psychiatrist. Covid happened, everything came to a halt. I also had a falling out with my therapist, who didn’t call me when I stopped calling to schedule appointments. Maybe I wrote about that here, I can’t really remember and, honestly, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that part of my support system was gone.

However, I did quit and I am glad that I did. Every moment that I’m sober is precious. Every day, every week or every month. And one thing that I learned at Narcotics Anonymous was that you don’t have to go all the way. Buy once and keep buying. Let a few months of a year go by, riding the carousel again.

So I had this urge today to write. Rationalizing things and doing a plan is absolutely vital. It is of the utmost importance for not embarking in this world again.

I need to make myself not buy again, avoid it as much as possible. Which is easier because the catalyst for what I did was a random encounter with the wrong person. I was strong the first time I saw her but I wasn’t today.

This leads me to stop having more money than the amount I need to spend, when I go outside. Ask my mother to keep my money.

One thing that helps me is that I smoke a type of tobacco, with several types of menthol flavors and they’re all delicious. Smoking flavored tobacco has helped me in the past. I also hate the taste of regular tobacco, so joints don’t taste as good as they did before, which is very good.

I feel like I’m carefully driving a car without brakes and trying to park safely at sobriety again.

I won’t beat myself up too much, just the right amount to keep me from my buying when I run out. I bought a fraction what I used to get. Usually, what happens is that it lasts longer than usual. My tolerance is low, so there is no need to smoke a lot. But it gets higher and higher the more you smoke. And that is why I need to stop when I run out. I only have to feel bad for now, if I keep doing it. It was only a real failure and not a hiccup, if I persist in this behavior.

And I don’t want to.

My mother is disappointed, my father doesn’t know. I have to stand up to this condition and stop it in its tracks.

I’m going back to therapy. That is also something I need to do. Talk about my issues, set goals, make plans, receive the support I so desperately need. I don’t want my mother to be sad and worried. She can help me and I am truly blessed to have her help.

I also have S. right now and we support each other. We are kindred spirits and it is easier to make better decisions when you are connected to someone. When you have someone who you can call at anytime and just vent. And, more importantly, someone who you don’t have a romantic relationship with. I need that right now. He needs that right now. We are both recovering from thingsh hearts broken, making changes in our lives. Trying to safely navigate this insanity. Like being an anchor to each other.

That is difference. I don’t feel alone in my “specifications”. In my idiosyncrasies. I can relate to someone and now that he is not trying to seduce me or abuse me or get with me. There is absolute trust, at least on my end, probably on his end.

We can and should isolate ourselves a little. Find comfort in ourselves, in order to fight co-dependency. Pursuing connections that don’t imply possession or jealousy or any of the issues that may arise in a romantic relationship. After you get clean, for example, in rehab or at home, you need to stay single. It is better for recovery. Some things you have to do on your own. Heal. Work on your emotions, unlearn co-dependency. That is crucial.

Since Narcotics Anonymous was not the best choice for my treatment, I have to do this “on my own”.

In reality, I’m not alone. Far from that. And that will surely contribute to my success. Because I can’t fail again. I can’t hurt myself and my parents any more.

I started a data analysis course and I will be focusing on that. See it fits my profile and that if interests me enough. It seems interesting so far and there is a big demand for people who study this.

I feel like now, I have enough strength to continue. Not due to hash, of course, but due to the growth that has happened within me, this year. I feel more resilient emotionally, more energized, more motivated to change my life. I’ve been taking steps in that direction and I don’t plan to stop and waste more time on getting high. I can not waste more time, I have to use this experience, even this very relapse, to push me forward. Because forward is where I’m going, I just need to know where.

If you have any suggestions for my recovery, I appreciate it. I

I love you all.


My experience with meditation

I’ve been meditating on and off for the last 7 years but more seriously for a year. Since I started meditating, I noticed changes. At first, I felt more calm during and after doing it. Being relieved from thinking while being conscious was incredibly soothing and liberating.

After a few months of doing it, I noticed that I was more stable and things didn’t affected the way they did before. I was more understanding and less judgmental. Things seem easier to understand and hence, easier to accept. I started feeling this incredible peace, most of the time. I radically accept life as it is, while wanting for it to change in a positive. Nothing was by chance. The more you meditate and read about history, the more things make sense and are easier to digest.

After six months, I started having epiphanies. Things came to mind that were my true feelings and also advice for myself. I also noticed that I was rarely stressed and that I was meditating because I loved it and needed. I started my path to equanimity and I have somewhat achieved that state.

But make no mistake: my healthy diet and working out also helped immensely in achieving this state. Meditation is definitely a healthy exercise but a lifestyle change should accompany it. It all contributes to the mind and body balance.

Meditation is a very broad field. There are numerous techniques, guided meditations for everything you can think about, binaural beats, mantras and other types of music to help with it. If at first it seems hard, that is ok. You can do mindful eating or mindful working out. Maybe Zentangle, which is a sort of drawing meditation.

For mindful eating, you can eat while having no distractions. That is very important. Savor the food, feel the texture, taste, how it feels in your mouth. Focus on the sounds of eating like cutlery tapping on the plate.

For mindful exercise, focus on counting your movements and letting go of any thought that arises.

There is a reason why Marsha Linehan incorporated mindfulness meditation on DBT. It does help a lot with emotional regulation. It is a great way to cope. Sometimes not so much when we are in crisis: we fall into these deep holes of despair. But meditating reduces the occurrence of those and also increases our ability to bounce back from those episodes.

My concentration and attention are also much better. I can do things for a long time and stay focused.

Guided meditations are a wonderful world that everyone should explore. They tackle many issues and are very soothing, encouraging and motivational.

So I recommend meditation to everyone, as it is a very pleasant experience, it’s very fulfilling and therapeutic.

I hope you are all wall. I love you all.

Not all days are good

Sunday was definitely not a good day but it ended well.

I had a falling out with my father, once again. He never fails to make feel invalidated. As a father, he is lacking. No emotional support, he doesn’t ever try to talk to me. It’s always me who has to strike a conversation with him. That is tiring and makes me feel that he makes no effort to get to know me. He is elderly and he should be spending a partir his time telling his life stories to me. I know that I won’t have children and those stories may die with me. However, we should be bonding. My mother  says that he cares but he does not show it. I wash his cups and glasses, put his plates in the washing machine. After meals, I get their trays and coffee cups to take them to the kitchen and wash them. I help my mother a lot. I take care of the cats, clean the kitchen, my rooms and bathroom. I sweep floors. I do whatever is necessary. And somehow that’s nothing to my father.

I work out, eat well, meditate, study, make art and he never recognizes how hard this was to achieve. He does the same to my mom but she can divorce him. I can’t cut off my dad, not at the end of his life. He always focuses on what is lacking. He can never analyse things and come to the conclusion that things are not as good as they should be but there has been a dramatic change in what I do.

This is very invalidating and it slowly but surely takes a toll on me.

I was so distraught that I needed to take 3 xanax pills, in order to fall asleep. That always helps. I usually wake up feeling much better.

That’s what happened today. I woke up refreshed and energized. I have a plan to put in motion and there have been signs that it will be soon. I’ll tell you about it when I do the thing.

I am now chilling, listening to music and taking some time to write. I have been having such creative block. Even worse than a creative block, I wasn’t even able to write the simplest things, like a journal entry. I felt completely unable to write. Has this happened to you? I am trying to start writing every day or every other day. No matter how simple. I used to make articles about interesting subjects that took a lot of research but I lost my ability to do it.

I think that I can recover that. I just need to keep pushing.

I hope everyone is well. I love you all.

A break from pain

I’m on a break from pain


Walking with my feet above the ground

Enjoying and savoring

Every flavor of life

Accepting while wanting to change


Using reason as a sword

Using logic as a tool

To protect myself

And others

Step by step

Day by day

It gets easier

Every action towards movement

Every movement towards evolution

Evolution as a means to survive

Survival as a form of happiness

For I could be somewhere else

Somewhere no one knows

One of the great mysteries of life

That I don’t want to unveil

Happy to be here

Happy to live

I’ve never thought that I could feel like this

Hello everyone.

I hope you are ok. I am great.

Things are still going well. I changed my diet, no more sweet or fried food. I’m still working out consistently. 6 days a week, with one break. I’ve been meditating for about 30 minutes a day.

These changes made my existential dread disappear. My suicidal ideation is more and more rare. I’ve been pretty much consistently happy in the last 2 months. It feels like a see dream. Life is good and the more I work on myself, the further I am from BPD.

I’ve been talking to someone who is very sweet and supportive. We talk every day. In the beginning, I would freak out when he left me on seen. But now my mind feels more resilient and in a way, his validation and friendship are constant. So I don’t freak out.

I also accept things better now. Life doesn’t seem as hard. I go to the supermarket alone, which is a huge step for me. Agoraphobia still kicks my ass but I feel like I can beat it.

BPD still seems to be in remission, which I am LIVING for. If you have it, you know how badly it interferes with your life. A sign that it is in remission is the fact that I was able to cut off every toxic person from my life. I think that I could let go from people in part because of my trauma. It feels like I have an allergy to manipulation. I just repel it instantly. I feel like that is very valuable because I am able to have time for wonderful people who don’t try to play me. That kind of peace is more precious than gold. My flashbacks are fewer and fewer. I am able to control myself and not text those toxic people. Doing that makes me feel even more empowered. Like I’m building a foundation for a good and stable life.

I just get hit with the realization that lots of people are suffering because of covid 19. It doesn’t seem to have an end but I’m sure that humanity will sort this out.

I feel grateful for everything, including the fact that I’m not working right now. I would be so paranoid if I was working outside of my house. My heart truly breaks for the families of essential workers who died. How unfair it is. How badly some countries are handling it. It is interesting that the countries with most reported cases are all ruled by populists. Bolsonaro in Brazil, insisted that this virus was just “a little flu”. Trump started out by saying that it was a hoax perpetrated by democrats. That’s how dangerous these leaders are. They do not care to be responsible and care properly for the citizens. Many people don’t wear masks. They are not taking this seriously enough but I mainly blame education for it.

I hope you are taking care of yourself, washing your hands, eating well and working out, in less to boost your immune system. These stressful times shall pass, let’s keep going because time waits for no one.

💗Love you all💗

Words of encouragement

I’ve been so happy. I’ve been having an amazing time. I never thought I would be as content as I feel now. Always expecting the worse, I was immersed in catastrophic thinking. And, ironically, I’m so used to it that an actual pandemic doesn’t seem so scary. Of course, that is in my case, since I can stay home. I know I would be much more worried if I was working a regular job.

It’s amazing how something as bad as catastrophic thinking can have a good side. I’ve been noticing so many silver linings. I accept challenges as chances to grow and evolve. There are lessons to be learned.

As encouragement to anyone having a tough time, sometimes it takes a while to notice the silver linings but they might be there. And when you see them, you’ll feel better. It may give you some closure. It will comfort you and show you that not everything that is apparently bad can be beneficial. That bullet you dodged, that you miss. That toxic friend. It hurts in the beginning but then you start reaping the benefits.

So keep pushing through, keep fighting. Good things will come to you. I wholeheartedly believe in that.

I have struggled for many years. Sometimes I felt that the light at the end of the tunnel was an incoming train. And maybe it is, I’m not safe from harm. I don’t believe in happily ever after. All I know is that I will keep fighting til I die. I won’t go down without a fight. I feel my spark coming back. Feeling intense fear for so long has made more resistant to it. Knowing the absurdity of life and how it might at any moment made me not fear death. But I don’t crave it. I want to live a long life. I want to go back to college and have a good job. I believe that it’s possible. I have resources and I am capable of that. I believe in myself finally. I also love myself. It took a long time but I made it in that sense.

Keep fighting, don’t give up. And if you do give up for a while, don’t be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we need to hide in a cocoon and emerge as a beautiful butterfly. A stronger, empowered and confident butterfly that is able to go very far and do amazing things.

I love you all ❤