I’m back on track. Juggling everything like a pro. Let’s see how long this lasts. I will do my absolute best to keep this overall activity streak going.
It’s funny how things work out sometimes: I was anxious about my appointment so I decided to stay up all night. Took some ginseng and coffee, I was set. Laid down a few times to rest my body, always remaining awake. Up until 8 am. I fell asleep and I forgot to set the alarm. I woke up exactly at the right time and my therapist was a little late so it was fine. It’s interesting how that is. Before, when I was more depressed, I could sleep all day on the day of an appointment, like I was allergic to responsibility. I’m going to take this as some sort of cosmic encouragement and I am grateful for it.
I’m fighting several demons at the moment. But the more in control I act, the more in control I feel and am and it’s a cycle. Making better choices, not acting on impulse, thinking plenty before speaking, avoiding judgment, avoiding gossip, etc, and everything becomes easier mentally. Let’s not forget that I take mood stabilizers and that I meditate every day. I’m also older. It’s completely valid and normal to have BPD and not be in control often. I can spiral quite easily but I haven’t been triggered lately and therapy is so incredibly helpful.
Feeling in control is like a dream to someone with BPD. Our lives would be radically different if we had self-control in different areas in a stable form, throughout our lives. But I see all of this now as climbing a mountain, a difficult challenge that I will die trying to win. There is no prize. The prize is the best journey possible. It’s making the best out of tragedy and pain.
My rational and emotional sides are at odds so many times. Seeing a former FP (favorite person) that you were in love with, live with someone. Feeling sad and triggered by that. Then remembering that you didn’t want that, rationally speaking. I chose to walk away, I’m usually the one who chooses to walk away and it’s not easy. I mourn the person long after the fact. Even if the person is absolutely wrong for me, I saw things that I liked and absolutely romanticized the heck out of. And so I stay away from love, still. And I will unfollow someone on facebook because it still hurts.
I’m using mindfulness techniques now: observing my thoughts when they are unpleasant, understanding that they aren’t me ad that I have power over them. Disengage with certain inner monologues, certain thoughts. Stay distracted or in a flow state as much as possible, really in the present moment. So many of our demons are in the past and in the future. We may make wrong choices to cope, for example. Always being out of spoons, drained, only in survival mode isn’t good for self-control or decision making. We just want to feel better right now, as soon as possible, please. We can’t take it anymore.
Even in my active addiction weed, I can say that I feel more liberated now. It’s so wonderful to recover from difficult things. And I’m still so far but I don’t feel as tired. It feels like I can finally breathe properly, if that makes sense. Not too many things distracting me from my goals, not too much doomscrolling. I’m taking discipline and routine extremely seriously. The results are very pleasing to me. It feels like everything is coming together. I just have to keep the momentum going, like my friend Mike U. commented on one of my latest posts.
Thank you so much for the support, Mike and everyone.