Late Night Thoughts. Friday, January 27

I’m back on track. Juggling everything like a pro. Let’s see how long this lasts. I will do my absolute best to keep this overall activity streak going.

It’s funny how things work out sometimes: I was anxious about my appointment so I decided to stay up all night. Took some ginseng and coffee, I was set. Laid down a few times to rest my body, always remaining awake. Up until 8 am. I fell asleep and I forgot to set the alarm. I woke up exactly at the right time and my therapist was a little late so it was fine. It’s interesting how that is. Before, when I was more depressed, I could sleep all day on the day of an appointment, like I was allergic to responsibility. I’m going to take this as some sort of cosmic encouragement and I am grateful for it.

I’m fighting several demons at the moment. But the more in control I act, the more in control I feel and am and it’s a cycle. Making better choices, not acting on impulse, thinking plenty before speaking, avoiding judgment, avoiding gossip, etc, and everything becomes easier mentally. Let’s not forget that I take mood stabilizers and that I meditate every day. I’m also older. It’s completely valid and normal to have BPD and not be in control often. I can spiral quite easily but I haven’t been triggered lately and therapy is so incredibly helpful.

Feeling in control is like a dream to someone with BPD. Our lives would be radically different if we had self-control in different areas in a stable form, throughout our lives. But I see all of this now as climbing a mountain, a difficult challenge that I will die trying to win. There is no prize. The prize is the best journey possible. It’s making the best out of tragedy and pain.

My rational and emotional sides are at odds so many times. Seeing a former FP (favorite person) that you were in love with, live with someone. Feeling sad and triggered by that. Then remembering that you didn’t want that, rationally speaking. I chose to walk away, I’m usually the one who chooses to walk away and it’s not easy. I mourn the person long after the fact. Even if the person is absolutely wrong for me, I saw things that I liked and absolutely romanticized the heck out of. And so I stay away from love, still. And I will unfollow someone on facebook because it still hurts.

I’m using mindfulness techniques now: observing my thoughts when they are unpleasant, understanding that they aren’t me ad that I have power over them. Disengage with certain inner monologues, certain thoughts. Stay distracted or in a flow state as much as possible, really in the present moment. So many of our demons are in the past and in the future. We may make wrong choices to cope, for example. Always being out of spoons, drained, only in survival mode isn’t good for self-control or decision making. We just want to feel better right now, as soon as possible, please. We can’t take it anymore.

Even in my active addiction weed, I can say that I feel more liberated now. It’s so wonderful to recover from difficult things. And I’m still so far but I don’t feel as tired. It feels like I can finally breathe properly, if that makes sense. Not too many things distracting me from my goals, not too much doomscrolling. I’m taking discipline and routine extremely seriously. The results are very pleasing to me. It feels like everything is coming together. I just have to keep the momentum going, like my friend Mike U. commented on one of my latest posts.

Thank you so much for the support, Mike and everyone.

Evening Thoughts. Monday. Jan, 24

I spend every day, either lost in thought or lost in action. Analyzing anything and everything and then resting my mind while I make art or listen to music etc. Finally finding balance and being able to look at myself in the eye. There was so much that I couldn’t see. I kept making the same mistakes because of it.

Now that I have acknowledged it, I can change it. Stop reinforcing the habit. Start responding instead of reacting. I know that I can turn this around. I am determined to fight this.

However, I will also have to have an assessment to see how limited I am. What my my diagnosis are. I need answers so I can plan for the future. There are different avenues I can choose that don’t imply a 9-5. My mom wants to start a business with me. I want to expand and sell more art. I should go on shopify and see what is necessary but it’s like I’m blocked. Maybe I’ll talk to a friend and do it with them. Money is so important and I need to earn it as soon as possible. It would be so good for my future, my self-esteem, so many different aspects. But first, I need to be able to handle responsibility. Start getting it together. REALLY getting it together. I already laid the foundation and now I just need to build on it.

Ended up taking a nap this afternoon. It was supposed to be an hour and it ended up being three and half hours. To be honest, I wish that I could take short naps but I just can’t. I just had this vision of a hypothetical future where you set a alarm in your brain through an interface that gently wakes you up right before you need unlike an alarm does nowadays. We wake up with a cortisol discharge basically. I remember waking up with a very loud army trumpet many years ago. Nothing else woke me up and it stressed me so much. When you work, you wake up stressed. Imagine just gently sleeping on time and gently waking up on time. Heaven.

I’m getting better at controlling myself. Sometimes I would get in petty arguments with my folks because of the negative feedback loop we were in. Now, I feel so much more in control and able to discern frivolous discussions and always keeping them civil. This needs to be hardwired into my brain, cultivated every day, with discipline. Conflict is useless and painful. It upsets me and it serves no purpose.

I’ve been reading articles on the Deep Stash app for 16 straight days and I feel “accomplished” because I cannot, for the life of me, keep any type of streak going. I have been learning so much about self-development, time management and so on. Some books and articles end up saying similar things, or I get back to them again, and I am able to memorize important tips about different subjects. Since I’ve been struggling to read the book I’ve been reading for a year, Foucault’s History of Madness (great book, by the way. It’s not “him”, it’s me haha). So these summaries have been really helping me to develop systems to optimize my life. A great way to ingrain valuable knowledge in my mind. Since I don’t really socialize that much, I need to get motivation elsewhere. Reading the quotes and summaries is somewhat like being in a room with smart and knowledgeable people.

But I do sometimes miss being with people. It’s just not possible in the state that I’m in now. I need to heal so much more. It’s not for other people’s sake, I’m not a menace to society. It’s for my own sake. And I know that maybe going back into society will always be painful. But the more kind mind I own now asks me to be patient and not try to guess how I will feel in the future.

If the future is anything like today, it will be full of mood fluctuations. It’s been like this lately or I’ve been more aware. I already take a considerable amount of meds for it so I don’t know how I should feel about this. I guess that a;; this time of avoiding therapy left me with unresolved issues lingering in the back of my mind and jumping into my awareness out of the blue. So I’m okay now and then I’m sad. And I get distracted. I feel okay. Then I’m sad again. Then I’m okay again. It’s absolutely exhausting. I have to address this with my psychiatrist. I think the symptoms regarding mood have always been one of my worst and it’s 0/10, hate it. One thing I know is that I can tackle this with DBT, which is promising and I’m hopeful that it works. I sill have so much to learn about emotional regulation.

And finally, people that workout, please tell me your tips to keep doing it 5 days a week haha. I do it for a few days. Stop. Then the same. I stop again. It’s like I can maintain a limited amount of simultaneous activities going but then I drop one or two. Any ideas on this? I’m really curious to read your input on it.

I hope that everyone is okay and has an amazing week.

Picture taken and edited by me