I’ve been sinking. Unable to do anything.I think that it’s due to my poor sleep paired with my poor mental health.
I’m more stable but still very down. How much I’ve been telling myself that I am kind to myself but I am so hard sometimes. It just dawned on me yesterday how much I’ve been through in these last, God knows how many years. I’m so tired. Everything is weighing on me.
I feel buried again. Buried under pain. Buried under words that I can’t say to people can’t see. Buried under the pressure of time passing. And I’m alive but inside something is wrong. Maybe not wrong but upset, disturbed. In need of nurture and love. That only I can give myself, at this point and that will have to suffice. That is the reasonable choice.
While I crave love, sex and companionship, I am unable to date. It feels good to be single, celibate and in solitude. Even if it sometimes doesn’t. What does an unhealed soul attract and has to give? What does a tired soul do to herself if she doesn’t take a long break? It’s self harm. I’ve engaged in it. I keep dodging bullets, by not even going on dates. I may talk for a while. The red flags are loud and clear. I have my own too, no judgment here. It’s like everything is telling me not to date and I can’t argue with that. I just comply.
Today, I am trying to organize this space and work on my art. In the next few days, I will be posting what I have been doing. Hopefully today I can post older art. I would love to get this blog going again. I have been neglecting it so much. See you soon.