I went on holiday for 5 days. It was great for my mental health but it’s always a painful reminder of my limitations.
I was in an apartment, very close to the beach. There was a pool, it was really good. I did not set foot on the beach. Not once. It was always windy there and I hate the feel of wind with sand on my body. But still, that was really bad on my part. Am I being too hard on myself? It’s easy to overlook that I travelled for a few hours to get there and did a long walk, by myself, once. So it could’ve been worse, it definitely could. I went to the pool twice, which I think was far too little. I spent most of the time either meditating, sleeping or in the balcony. There was a table there and a couple of chairs. At least the scenery changed. But every night except for the last one, there were people making noise in the beach. Drinking, singing. Not really social distancing or wearing masks. But that is only a detail.
The local supermarket was amazing. A lot of organic food from good branda, at a great price. You know you’re 30 and love to eat when you get excited about supermarkets. I don’t care, food is amazing and I don’t binge eat. I’m very careful about what I eat. And by eating healthy and not overdoing it, I’m improving my life. I don’t feel like I need to justify myself, this is just for context. It’s important to be happy about little things that are good for you.
Vacations, eating well, resting, meditating: all of this makes me feel better and more balanced. I only really leave my town once a year but still, it’s good. Especially because I’m somewhat on holiday all year long. It’s just not a holiday because I am home and I have several limitations.
I’ve been using this app called Fabulous and it’s helping me a lot. I entered a short walk challenge today. I have to walk 5-10 minutes every day, for a week. I did my part already. Went outside twice to buy a few things and walked for more than 5 minutes. Now, I’m just resting in my writing and bed, getting in the mindset of going out again at the end of the afternoon. It’s far too hot right now, but if I feel like it, that won’t be an obstacle. I tolerate heat very well.
Something that has been happening to very often, is seeing the silver lining in a bad situation not long after it happens. I get sad or upset or anxious about a certain situation, and I can shift my mindset by asking with curiosity what I can learn from that situation. What I can do to change, what I can do to not experience that again or avoid it as much as possible. And that lead me to make choices. Said choices will prevent many problems in the future, at least in some areas.
I’m getting better at dealing with disappointment. I don’t put people on pedestals anymore. I see them in a realistic way. So when people screw up, again, I feel bad but I end up understanding,
So I’m listening to this. It is the sound of oldies in another room while it rains and there’s a thunder storm outside. I find it incredibly soothing. My last days were weird, I almost had a panic attack yesterday because of the stress. I really find these types of videos to cheer me up and relax me. It’s like I am transported to that room, during that storm. A sort of psychological change in scenery.
Oldies really take you to a different time and place. These are American oldies, I can’t quite put my finger on how old they are but I’m guessing that these songs are from the 40’s or 50’s. It’s interesting to me how the sound of rain and thunder, coupled with the retro songs can be so soothing. Nature is truly generous with the nice and soothing sounds it provides. Also, the fact that I don’t know the songs and, therefore, have no emotional attachment to them besides the feeling of comfort and nostalgia.
I just took my second shower of the day, it was really hot and I like to sleep clean and fresh. Now that I came from my holiday, I feel energized. I’ve drawn, watched lectures, read, etc. It feels really good to be at home, during quarantine.
When it comes to covid, my attitude remains the same: masks everywhere, shower once or twice a day, washing hands thoroughly and often, avoid public transportation and being with people who are not wearing a mask. I love that most of my building complies with the advice given by the WHO. I try to keep my mind off it by not watching the news often.
My parents watch the news two or three times a day. I don’t know how they take it because it’s mostly so bleak and depressing. Bombing here, earthquake there, floods somewhere else. The realization that there is a tragedy going on at any given time can. be overwhelming. How does one cope?
You can’t help everybody. That is a fact. You obviously should help and be kind. Life can be fair and unfair. We roll the dice every day, even though we build our future with every action and every word. Because in our future success does not lie only career and financial success. If we can be successful in growing as a person, changing, adapting, overcoming trauma, that is, in itself, a victory.
That is why despite not being financially independent at the moment, I feel victorious. I was at war with the world and myself. Trying to understand who I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to change and what I wanted to keep. And this foundation that I slowly built, will be the basis of my growth in several areas. A foundation of self-love, empathy, compassion, assertiveness, logic, discipline, and all that is needed to move forward and build a good life.
You know, some people don’t understand what it’s like to have BPD because either they have that foundation or they can get by being dysfunctional. Sometimes just the fact that someone has to survive, has to provide for himself and his family, for example, there are extra factors that move the person. But, even then, not everyone is able to maintain a productive lifestyle, even when they need it to survive. Mental health can overwhelm us, take control of our lives in many ways.
That’s why it’s so important to take care of it, as best as we can. Even if it’s “just” self-care. We need to nurture ourselves, in a world that can be so uncaring and so ruthless. If, many times, the world isn’t kind to us, it is added stress when we are unkind to ourselves.
We go through phases. Life is a learning process and we also need time to process events, to better understand them. In that way, we can choose more wisely and build a more peaceful life.
At first, it might be extremely hard to accept that it was our fault without hating ourselves. We won’t be able to forgive ourselves for a while. We won’t be able to forgive others.
I find that having a healthy amount of hate, which is not a lot for someone who hurt us, while still understanding why they did what they did, is a good mix. You get a manufactured closure that you yourself generated. You just don’t want to be in a love-hate relationship with anyone.
As you get oolder you learn that it’s better to let go than to hold on to toxic relationships: romantic, friendship, whatever.
I’d say that people with BPD are emotionally like people who get bruised easily. We always have unpleasant memories lurking around. And if they keep happening, if you allow that in your life, you will keep getting bruised. And you will still resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with what happens. That is a part of our vicious cycle.
I noticed that the more I cut off people who hurt me often from my life, the better the people that came into my life. A pattern isn’t broken in a day. It can take years. And you will still find toxic people from time to time but you will have this need to avoid them.
In my case, I have to avoid two people that I dated and that are very special to me. If I can do that and after I’ve done it, it was easier to let go of people who were detrimental to my mental health.
When you have the right amount of empathy, you tend to have compassion with assholes. You understand why they are that way and that is very good. But you can have compassion for someone and stay away. Because you have even more compassion and respect for yourself.
We tend to over share a lot. We want the person to have a nuanced perspective about us, so we can be validated. Many times, we are just making ourselves vulnerable to narcissists, gossip, etc. If you keep working on yourself, going to therapy, doing self-analysis and breaking patterns, you will be reprogramming yourself.
You will finally have a clear idea of who you are and, as you discover how you are, you will probably discover meaning and purpose, which is very important.
I have found meaning and purpose. However, I am exhausted. I need a little time to recover. It’s been a struggle but there is some beauty in the struggle. The beauty of growing and evolving. Changing but becoming more and more the authentic you. No need to be a people pleaser or justify yourself, in order to be validated. You start validating yourself and might even end up thinking about things from another perspective and realizing how badass you are, without growing a huge ego.
You are a tiny dust particle that is badass. There is no inherent meaning to life, that we know of, except for the one that we give to it.
All of this is just a very long way of saying that you can heal, you can grow and change. In essence, you will still be you. A wonderful work of art and a work in progress. You can go color yourself as a painting, with interests and skills. Using your creativity as a therapeutic thing. Writing, drawing, etc.
I’m documenting my journey in order to give people hope. I believe in you. I will always share what helped me, as it might be helpful to other people.
I love you all ❤
The picture was taken by me
