Why swim, when you can sometimes float?
I can float now. Be more in control, choose battles more wisely. But life also gave me this time to just float. To take the time to work without stress. And it feels good. Control in a confusing world is comforting. But I should also learn to let go of it sometimes. Not to be so scared or not adventurous. Some adventures at times is important, like a pinch of salt in food. Life without it can become bland. Also add a little spice to it with love and friendship, passions, hobbies, etc.
But floating, it also takes a special kind of days, with no waves. A flat sea, like surfers say. I have been having that. And in that flatness, you have stability. In stability, you can build. I’ve been sketching. Maybe I’m following a pipe dream but this is what I want to do and what I am best at. I’ll do it until it is unreasonable to do so. It’s definitely something that I can obsess over, work on for hours on end. And this helps as an artist.
Found a new therapist. I didn’t like my last one. Maybe I’m too picky with them but I need someone to be very sensitive and empathetic. The previous one said some things that I considered to be red flags. For example: I complained about something that he said and he said that our appointment should be a preparation for outside, should be like outside. It implied that I should get used to it because outside is worse. But therapy never had that meaning to me. It was also more of an escape, of a sacred place where I could say anything. Absolutely not like outside. Preparation for outside only in the sense that therapy prepares me for a better life.
He would also talk about other patients that he had or had had. Which is odd and had never occurred to me until I had him. It made me uncomfortable. It was invalidating. We do this because we are traumatized. Because we are hurting. He talked about them sometimes like they were fools. I imagined him talking about me. Gross. It was a real mess. 0/10 on yelp lol just kidding.
I hope that everyone is going well. Much love, people.
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Scarlett's Reality Tunnel (Formerly Known As Scarlett's BPD Corner) 
One response to “I Can Float”
Hi, Scarlett. I’m glad you’ve been able to do your art. It’s very therapeutic to be able to do that.
With your previous therapist, I think that’s awful. He sounds totally unprofessional and disrespectful of you and your needs. I’m very glad you won’t be seeing him anymore and have found someone more suitable. He really shouldn’t have been sharing information about other clients with you because, as you said, he was probably talking about you behind your back, too. I’m sorry if I sound angry, but I just feel protective of you, having been through a very similar experience with an emotionally abusive female therapist years ago. I wrote about her (without naming her, of course) in my blog at the time. She did me so much damage, and I’m still angry. Luckily, I have a good therapist now, but my therapy is due to end before Christmas as it’s time-limited, and I dread finishing. Have you thought of making a complaint about your last therapist? These people are playing God with our lives, which is wrong. Perhaps, with your new person, you’ll be able to address this experience and process it without it living rent-free in your head like my experience has done. You deserve so much better than being treated that way, my friend. You are worth it.
I think I’d better get off that topic because I could go on, but I won’t. What are you working on in your art at the moment? I’m looking forward to seeing your work if you decide to share it. I always enjoy your art. I’m hopeless at drawing, painting etc., but I prefer to concentrate on writing, which comes more naturally to me. P.S. I hope I haven’t offended or upset you with my feelings about what you’ve experienced. It’s just that I care. Much love to you … Ellie Xx 💜🌷💛
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